The Wellness Connection with Fiona Kane

Episode 79 Honouring Individual Journeys in Relationships

• Fiona Kane • Season 1 • Episode 79

Share episode

Send us a text

Join me in this episode of the Wellness Connection as I navigate relationships and how to know when to accept a situation and back off. Understand when does your influence help a situation, person or relationship and when it just causes strain and exhaustion? 

Through self-reflection and a mindful approach to our actions, beliefs, and expectations, we can create healthier interactions. Tune in for insight on enhancing your relationships through acceptance, patience, and conscious support.

Learn more about booking a nutrition consultation with Fiona: https://informedhealth.com.au/

Learn more about Fiona's speaking and media services: https://fionakane.com.au/

Sign up to receive our newsletter by clicking here.

Instagram

Facebook

LinkedIn

Credit for the music used in this podcast:

The Beat of Nature

Music by Olexy from Pixabay



Fiona Kane:

Hello and welcome to the Wellness Connection with Fiona Kain. I'm your host, fiona Cain, and today I'm just going to talk to you a little bit about something I see in that when we achieve something in our life whether it might be, we achieve something in a health way we've new diet, new lifestyle, done something, and we've achieved something and we're feeling better about ourselves or we're looking better or whatever the situation is, or sometimes it might be more of like a spiritual thing where we've had some sort of spiritual growth. We might have had some counseling, we might have had a breakthrough with something. Something that often happens is we can get a bit frustrated with the people around us, and sometimes we can want them to be where we're at or want them to feel what we feel, and so today I just wanted to talk a little bit about that, because it's important to understand that people are where they are and we can't tell them that they should be somewhere different. So while we can influence people and support people and love people, we can't demand that they be in a place that they're not at yet or in a place they don't want to be, especially if it's around like sometimes these things might be around a trauma that someone's experienced. It might be around a grief. There's all different emotional reasons that someone might be where they're at and you kind of have a breakthrough and you're really excited about it and you really want them to come with you on that journey and they're just not there yet.

Fiona Kane:

And so there's a certain level of there's certain situations where acceptance is a really good thing and learning how to have acceptance about things. Acceptance doesn't mean things can't change or you can't make a difference about something, but it does mean you have to accept that sometimes in some things you can't, some things it's not. You can't go on change. We can't fix the wars around the world or whatever. Maybe you can be involved in something like that if you're a president or something like that, but generally speaking the average person can't fix that right. So there's some things you can't fix. Or you can't fix the fact that someone you know has a certain illness, or they have a certain diagnosis, or someone can or can't walk or whatever it is. There's a certain level of things that we just have no control over and then there's others that we might have an influence on.

Fiona Kane:

So one is kind of knowing the difference and I think that's the serenity prayer, isn't it that they do in sort of AA and NA? I think the serenity prayer is kind of along the lines of doing the things you can do and knowing which things you can and can't do anything about. So this is kind of I suppose I'm talking about that. I didn't think about that when I was sort of starting to do this, but it kind of is that. So the serenity prayer I just kind of looked it up it's God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. And I suppose what I'm talking about here is the wisdom to know the difference, not the things you can change, things you can't change.

Fiona Kane:

And it's important to know the difference. And sometimes we need to just accept not now. And it's important to know the difference. And sometimes we need to just accept not now, not yet.

Fiona Kane:

Sometimes we need to accept that somebody's not ready and sometimes we need to accept that somebody doesn't want to and they don't want to be ready and they don't want to be part of that as well, and it might be frustrating and we might in our minds think, oh, that person's life would be so much better if only they did the thing. Whatever the thing is, and it may be but then who are you to know what better is for that person, right? We might think that we know better, but we don't necessarily know better when not that person. So you might feel that that person has quite a limited life, or that person has a boring life, or whatever it is that your judgment about that person's life is. But that, essentially, is a judgment about that person's life. So, while it's okay to want better for other people and to want to inspire them and encourage them and help them have something that might be better, if that's what they want, if that's going to be better for them, there's nothing wrong with all of those things. But there is a time and a place for it, and there's a time when we just have to kind of just leave it alone, give someone a bit of space, or not expect them to do what we're doing, because just because you're excited about it doesn't mean they are Just because you're ready for it. It doesn't mean they are Just because it's going to make your life better. It doesn't mean they think that that's what better looks like right. So you might have a different definition of what better actually is right. So I think that we and you know, when you look at things, if you kind of go more to kind of like a spiritual level, or when we look at what is our life about? What are we here for? All of those things? Again, it's, who are you to judge? You don't know what that person's role is. That person's role might be to be a great parent. That person's role might be to be a great surgeon. That person's role might be to be in the right place at the right time to affect change somewhere.

Fiona Kane:

You know, I remember the story of uh, there was a man. I read a story about him. He lived at Watson's Bay, at the Gap, which is in Sydney, and it's a very popular place. Uh, it's a cliff top. It's a very popular place for people to go when they're desperate and, um, I won't say the words, but you know, get what I'm saying right to end things. And a lot of people have passed that way at the gap. And this man lived there and he used to see people arrive and he used to go and talk to them, offer them a cup of tea. And I think when I read the last time I read this article, I think he sort of probably saved around 70 odd lives article I think he sort of probably saved around 70 odd lives, right, he made a big difference to the world.

Fiona Kane:

Now I don't know anything about the man, so I can't tell you one thing or another, but people in his life may or may not have had observations about whether or not they thought that he had the right career or had the right this or did the right that, whatever. So what I'm trying to say is you don't know why someone is here, you don't know what their role is, you don't know what they're being called to, and they might make little tiny differences but that make a big difference in other people's lives that you never see, that you never understand right. So they might be the person who is just who, not just who is a volunteer down at the CWA or wherever. It is someone who goes and reads books to people in hospital, or they might just be sort of quietly doing their thing in the background somewhere and not really making a big scene of things, or they might have a massive media career and be making a big difference by teaching people a lot of stuff or influencing people a million things in between.

Fiona Kane:

What I'm trying to say is essentially, there's not one right way to live your life and there's not one right way of being, and we have no idea that, like internally within a human being, what they feel called to do or what feels right for them, and when they feel like what they're doing is in line with their values, is in line with what they feel they're called to, and it's not for us to make those judgments or tell them it should be different. So I would just like to encourage you that when we're dealing with it whether it's family members or friends or partners or whoever it is just start to have a bit of judgment around these things of when it's time to interfere or encourage or whatever, or support in someone to change or do something different, and when it's actually important to have an acceptance and let them be and let them be who they are. And you know, and it's it's a case-by-case situation. There's not one answer for this. I think it's.

Fiona Kane:

It does a few things as well. There's a few things that will come out of this. So one is if we spend all of our time worrying about stuff, or wanting to change things, or wanting to fix or change things that we can't fix and change. There's a lot of energy, a lot of emotional energy in that, so it kind of just takes that away. But the other thing you might find is, whether or not you know it, actually know it or not, like logically know it or aware of it.

Fiona Kane:

You kind of feel, when someone has some energy around what they think you should do or who they think you should be, or the outcomes, especially like children will feel it from their parents, right, children will feel a pressure from their parents. Or you might feel a pressure from your partner, and it may be something that's never been said. It's not always about what has been said. However, we do feel a pressure from people when they don't approve or when they think it should be like this or it should be like that or we should be more like them or whatever it is. And when you feel that it's very uncomfortable, it can feel like a real judgment. Even if it's not meant that way, it doesn't feel so good.

Fiona Kane:

And the other thing is when you feel that often you kind of reject something outright because you just feel that pressure of oh, a person's wanting me to do something I don't want to do or be someone I don't want to be or whatever it is, and it makes the person who you're expecting to change or expecting to be different. It makes them really uncomfortable and it can put a lot of pressure on a relationship. And sometimes you don't realize until you let go of something, until you accept something, until you kind of back off a bit and you see the relationship change and improve. Often that's when you kind of understand that that kind of unsaid elephant in the room stuff has actually was making quite a big difference to the relationship. And by backing off and having a certain level of acceptance and not thinking that you know the right outcome or the right choices for that person, often that can really improve a relationship.

Fiona Kane:

So I invite you to think about that, to kind of assess that in your life. Where are the places where you've got an expectation or you've got an energy around something or you've got an idea about what you want the outcome to be, where maybe it's none of your business or it's not your choice or even though you mean well, the person actually may be feeling a certain level of pressure around it and where you could maybe kind of back off and look. Sometimes, when we do back off and we have a certain level of acceptance and we let people be, they will come to it on their own, at their own pace. So sometimes, by kind of just backing off, it allows them to do the thing that maybe you thought was a good thing for them to do in the first place, but sometimes it just might not be the thing, and it also allows them to not do that or to choose not to do that, which is perfectly okay as well.

Fiona Kane:

So, when you think about your relationships, when you think about your interactions with people, particularly the people you're really close with because we do really especially, you know, obviously, if you have children, you really do feel a vested interest in the outcome, because you're a parent and you want to make sure they have the best life possible and you've got in your mind, you've got an idea of what that could be or what that should be. Or, with your partner, you might feel like you want them to keep up with you in some way or other or join you in whatever you're doing or whatever you're excited about, and so it's very common and it might also with sort of siblings, that sort of thing. So it's very common in really close relationships that we do have in our mind a real kind of like a vested interest in the outcome for people and sometimes like absolutely pure. I mean, it is like you just want the best for someone, which is wonderful, which is great, but just have an awareness around when that is when that is helpful, when that is beneficial, and when it might be a bit toxic or a bit over the top. And it's kind of knowing the difference. It's kind of knowing when to back off, when to move forward, when it's time to say something, when it's time to not and when it is time to just have a certain level of acceptance around things. And the more you practice this, the more you learn this and practice this and get a feel for this. You will find it will improve your relationships and it will also give people around you a bit of breathing space to do their own thing.

Fiona Kane:

And particularly like sometimes, whether it be a parent-child relationship or just in relationships where there's a person around who's kind of a stronger personality, like me, I will take ownership of this. I've got a strong personality. I'm quite I'm in your face. I can be a challenging friend or relative to have because I've got strong opinions. I'm quite a strong personality. I'm not afraid to say what I think right. But then there's other people who don't have a stronger personality. I'm not afraid to say what I think right. But then there's other people who don't have a stronger personality or they're just a bit quieter and a bit more inward focused rather than outward focused. They're kind of more of an introvert and they might not say much. But it doesn't mean they don't have a lot, they don't think a lot or they don't have opinions. But what can happen is people like me can kind of trample over people like that a little bit if we're not careful in our sort of thinking that we're doing the right thing or helping someone.

Fiona Kane:

It also happens a lot in parent-child relationships that sometimes parents they don't learn when as the child gets older, when to start to back off. And back off doesn't mean don't love, don't care, don't support all of those things, but sometimes it means allowing the person to make a mistake, allowing the person to make choices, allowing the person to think for themselves and to explore themselves, who they are, what they want to do in life and that kind of thing. So, yeah, I suppose ultimately, the point of this is that my invitation to you is to just to learn when to have acceptance around things with friends, family relationships, and even if it's acceptance around things like if someone's choosing to not, if someone's choosing to not talk to you at the moment, you might do what you need to do to try and fix that relationship. But at a certain point you might need to just leave it alone for a while. Let the person do what they need to do and give them a bit of space, and it might help resolve things. Or it just actually might be that relationship has played its course. I don't know, it's complicated, it depends on the situation.

Fiona Kane:

My invitation is to start to look around in your life and look at where you feel you could maybe back off in some situations and also for that kind of type A and perfectionist personality, that person who thinks that their job to fix everything everywhere for everyone. It's not. And sometimes you are helping lots of people and sometimes you're not helping. And you might have the absolute best intention, but sometimes you're not helping. And you might have the absolute best intention, but sometimes you're still not helping. So I just invite you to kind of if this, if what I'm saying to you in any way kind of you know, you feel a resonance with it or it's kind of like making you feel a bit uncomfortable, then chances are it might be something for you to look at and examine in your life and to think about how you approach people around you.

Fiona Kane:

And one thing I have learned for sure is that sometimes the way people around you, the way they are responding to you, is because of you, it's because of your energy, it's because of your energy, it's because of what you're saying, what you're doing. So sometimes if you're saying or doing something different, or if you're just not saying, or if you're backing off or whatever, but energetically, when you change, that can change things for the other person and that can change your relationship. And that's the bit that you are in control of. We're not in control of other people's choices. We're not in control of other people's choices. We're not in control of other people's thoughts or other people's beliefs or their actions. We're really not.

Fiona Kane:

But we are in control of our actions and what we think and what we believe and what we say and the energy that we carry, and so we can choose to carry energy into a relationship, into a situation that is positive and good and supportive, but not kind of overbearing. Or we can carry a relationship that's kind of needy and expecting and judging very different energies, right. So just kind of get a feel for what energy you're bringing into a situation. What energy are you bringing into a relationship? What are you adding to that relationship or are you putting more strain on it? Do you have expectations that might be unreasonable at this point in time? So anyway, I hope that is useful for you in thinking about your relationships and thinking about the ones that maybe aren't going so well. And I'm not saying this because I have it all worked out and I'm perfect at any of this. By no means. This is just things I've learned along the way. I'm learning. I get some of it right, sometimes some of it I don't. I'm as human as everybody else, just doing the best I can.

Fiona Kane:

Anyway, thank you for listening or watching. If you want to comment, you can go into Rumble or YouTube and make a comment there. Let me know what's going on for you. Also, please, if you could like, subscribe, share. I'd really appreciate it. The more people that learn about my podcast, the better it is. I hope that this podcast is bringing really useful information for people that can help them with their physical, emotional health. So thank you for listening and watching and I will talk to you again next time. Thank you, bye.

People on this episode

Head Shot

Fiona Kane

Host