The Wellness Connection with Fiona Kane

Episode 95 Navigating Caregiving and Self-Care Challenges

• Fiona Kane • Season 1 • Episode 95

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Most of us will be in a care giver role at some time in our lives with children, partners or aging parents. My personal experience is with aging parents. In this episode I begin to explore the realities of being a caregiver, exploring the emotional and practical challenges involved in this vital role. I discuss the balance between managing responsibilities for loved ones while also prioritising your own wellbeing.

Learn more about booking a nutrition consultation with Fiona: https://informedhealth.com.au/

Learn more about Fiona's speaking and media services: https://fionakane.com.au/

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The Beat of Nature

Music by Olexy from Pixabay



Fiona Kane:

Hello and welcome to the Wellness Connection. I'm your host, Fiona Kane, and today I want to talk about being a carer. It's a role that I've been in on and off over the last few years with my parents, and it's a role that many people are in in all different situations. It might be parents, partners, obviously children and maybe people in their community as well. And I just really I suppose, because on this podcast, what I like to do is have real conversations about things that matter. I just see it so much in the community at the moment, so many people talking about it and how hard it is, so I just wanted to bring up the conversation and just start a discussion. I wish I had all the answers for you now. I could tell you some of the things that I do to manage myself through these times, but every situation obviously is unique and it's all a bit different for everybody, so you've got to figure it out based on what your needs are and based on what's going on for you. But I just wanted to start this conversation because being a carer can be really hard, and so I just wanted to talk about the ins and outs of it and some of my experiences, and really just to you know, if anything, sometimes just knowing that other people are experiencing some of the same things or thinking the same things, whatever it can just be helpful to know that you're not alone, you're not the only one going through this, and I think it's an important topic because it really does affect our physical and mental health. So that's why I wanted to bring this up today and also I try and be transparent to a certain degree about what's going on for me and my life, because I think that you can tap into the things that you know or you are experiencing. At the same time, I don't always tap into it, because I may not be ready myself at the time, depending on where I'm at with the experience, or I may not tap into it due to just being like confidentiality and privacy of other individuals involved, being like confidentiality and privacy of other individuals involved. So I will talk about this to the level that I feel that I can, without talking about people's private business, if you know what I mean. So, yeah, so sometimes, like I like to be, I want to be just telling the truth of who I am and where I'm at with things, because I think that just helps you know where I'm coming from with things Doesn't mean I'm always right about stuff, but it just gives you an idea of where my thought process is coming from and my experiences, but also I'd love to hear your experiences as well, and more and more I might get people on to talk about this topic, because I think it's actually a really important topic and obviously I'm a woman in my 50s, so it's a really common issue for people of my age, and what is even more typical than in my case is that it's what's called the sandwich generation.

Fiona Kane:

So the sandwich generation is generally people who have children, and then they also have parents and they're often caring for both. Right, so I don't have children, and you might perceive that as a good thing or a bad thing, and I think that that's one of those things. It means I don't have to care for children as well, but it also means I don't have anyone who might potentially care for me, because sometimes if you have grown children, they might support you a little bit while you're supporting a parent. So everything in life has got its potential positive, potential negatives, and every situation is unique. So good, bad, whatever. It just is right. But many people are managing their children and managing their parents, and it might be managing their children and their grandchildren and their parents and their job and all of the things, and it can just be really, really tough. So the thing about being a carer is sometimes it it builds up over time and people do this for many, many, many years, but and sometimes it kind of there's a dramatic change, something happens and uh, which is what happened for me most recently, is just something happens to someone in your life and suddenly you're thrust into a carer role that you, you know, weren't quite ready for or whatever. And the challenge, one of the biggest challenges I well, there's a few challenges, but one of the challenges I find especially caring for anyone who's of the baby boomer generation, which is largely my parents' generation. Is that generation and, look, this might be the case, everyone might say this about their parents when I'm the older one and whatever, whatever. So I don't know if it's about that generation or if it's just about the experience of this experience just in general, whenever it happens, but is a lot of people of that generation you know, and I don't think it's that generation you know, and not anything of that generation, to be honest.

Fiona Kane:

But people you spend your whole life creating, trying to create a certain amount of freedom for yourself, right. So agency and freedom where you can do what you want to do and you make your own choices and you know you're an adult and you're just doing your own thing right. And one of the really hard, really really tough things that would seem from observing and I think it's true is about getting older and maybe starting to have, or not even just getting older, but when people have or start to have, health problems or challenges that mean that they require a certain level of care, is you can lose a certain level of agency and a certain level of the ability to make choices, you know, because you can't just do what you want, because you might be relying on a carer to take you to the place or make the food or do the shopping or whatever it is right, and so suddenly you don't have the same agency or also freedom that you once had. So that's really really hard for the person being cared for. It's also really really hard for the person, the carer, because as a carer, one of the really tough things is what you don't want to do is you don't want.

Fiona Kane:

You want people to have dignity and you want people to have agency and you want people to feel like they're still making choices for themselves and they're still you know, it's still their life right, trying to balance that with what they actually need and how much they need for you to do and how much you might need to be interfering in their life. You know you might need to be, you know, paying their bills or organizing their insurance, or getting something fixed in the house or doing their grocery shopping or cooking their meals, and when you do that, it's never going to be the way they would have done it. And there is a certain loss of agency there because you might be making the decision or you might have to. You're the one in the situation that has to sort of make the decision about spending their money or the decision about something to do with their care or whatever. So it's really really hard because you're trying to balance that.

Fiona Kane:

Okay, I've got to get stuff done and sometimes you've got a minimum amount of time you get there to them and you've got like 50 things on your list that you need to check off before you go back to, in my case, back to my business, back to my own life, back to my own husband and back to my own home and all of my responsibilities. So I will go to be with this relative and I'll have like 50 things on my list I have to get done right. So you just got to get done. And then, at the same time, though, you have to consider their agency, and you know, so it's really is that that can be a really challenging thing just on its own, because you don't want to offend or insult the person or upset them or cross boundaries or make them feel bad, but at the same time, you've got to help them and you've got to get stuff done right so that that, just on its own, can just be really really hard.

Fiona Kane:

Uh, the other thing that's really really hard, obviously, uh, and like all the practical things, like just knowing about like in australia it's called my aged care that you can kind of get support, uh, but there's all you know understanding how it works, understanding how the system works, understanding what to apply for, how to apply for it and um, so it's got all this hair in my face. It's really annoying me. Um, sorry for those, visually it's probably annoying watching me, because I've been just brushing the hair out of my face. I just had to name it and move it. But yeah, so all of the just practical things like my relative was suddenly in hospital emergency situation and then suddenly out of hospital a little bit earlier than expected, and trying to swing into action and figure out, well, what are all the services that are available and how can we get the nursing support we need and this support and that support and these tools and those items that we might need, and this sort of you know all the things right, and so all of that is really really tricky.

Fiona Kane:

Suddenly, you're trying to figure out the system in your country or your state or your city or whatever, about what might be available. It's a situation too where, if you are super wealthy or the person who's super wealthy, maybe from that point of view it might be easier because you can get all the nursing you need and all the equipment you need and whatever. You could actually just pay people to go and find all that for you and do all that for you. But for for most people, there's a situation where, to a certain level, you might be relying on any sort of you know free services or subsidized services, government type services and things like that, which is what my experience has been, and so it's just really tricky just navigating those things. And also in this country I've talked about it before with other people I've been talking to in guests on my podcast, talking about things like NDIS, which is our National Disability Insurance Scheme. So anyway, we've got all these different schemes and and health services and things, which some of them are really good. By the way, some of them are. They're all problematic because there's no perfect system, but some of them actually, I must acknowledge, are really really good.

Fiona Kane:

Like we have something called hospital in the home and that is a service where, for a week, I had access to a doctor on the phone but also a nurse that was coming out and did come out regularly to assess things and to fix things. And to you know, the nurse would come out and kind of say, oh yeah, you're right, this right, this is going on, that's going on. Okay, this isn't right. That nurse would ring the doctor, have a long conversation with the doctor, make an arrangement for a prescription to be changed or something to be changed. They'd send that off to the pharmacy and you know our pharmacy, you know, would change the you know the Webster packs with the medications and things like that. So great service. So there are some great services like that, but just like even knowing what they are and where to get them from, how to get you know all of that stuff is really, really challenging.

Fiona Kane:

And then on top of that, you've got the other level of you know if this is a close relative to you or someone who you're close to, which it probably is, if you're caring for them. There's actually just a sadness of watching people decline or of watching people lose their agency and their freedom, and the last thing you want to do is be stepping on all that. But sometimes you sort of have to, because it's just how a carer's role is sometimes, so it can just be really sad as well watching people start to become frail, watching people start to have big challenges and things and I haven't dealt with this one, but it's one that I see there's some people around me experiencing is dealing with people with dementia as well that that must be so tough to watch people and in the case, one of the cases I'm aware of around me is just someone who's really physically well but dementia is a problem and that's also a really sad thing to observe and be involved in, sort of things. So being a carer has so many different levels of challenge.

Fiona Kane:

It's got the level of challenge of understanding bureaucracies and systems and health systems and healthcare, and then it's like understanding health stuff. I mean, I understand a lot of health stuff because I'm in the industry and even I find a lot of it really tough. So I can't even begin to imagine if you don't know the first thing, if you don't know the difference between your kidney and liver and whatever, then it must be really really hard to understand this stuff. Because I understand a lot of that and I still a lot of. It's really really overwhelming because you've got all these different health professionals or agencies not always talking to each other, so you're kind of the one in the middle. It's like well, that person said that, well, that person said that, and it's like you know. So that gets really really confusing and really challenging. So if you don't know much about health stuff, that would be really really hard. And even if you do, it's not your role, you're not the physician or the doctor of the person involved. So that's really tough. So there's just so many levels of challenge.

Fiona Kane:

So there's understanding that, the systems and the availability of support and help and whatever, and what someone may or may not need. The good thing is there are things involved in that because they're actually that hospital home also had an occupational therapist and a physiotherapist, which is fantastic. There's another system in australia I don't know if it's just in new south wales because our health systems are all a bit different but it's called trans pack, which is a 12 week, 6 to 12 week package that you get after hospital in the home, which gives a lot of these supportive services as well to keep you going until home care kicks in when you've applied for home care. So a lot of great services. So I'm really, really grateful for that. Don't get me wrong. I'm super grateful for all the services that have been available.

Fiona Kane:

It would have been so extremely tough without them, but yeah, so yes, understanding all these systems, understanding all this language, understanding all this health stuff, managing and balancing the needs of your person without treading on their agency and their freedoms and their dignity as well, but also helping them in the things that they need. And some of that is really kind of invasive stuff, but it's really hard right. And then, yeah, there is the emotions of actually watching your parents aging or your relatives or your partner or whoever it is. That's not well. It's just watching that too and seeing that person in that situation. So I just wanted to acknowledge how hard that situation is.

Fiona Kane:

And the other thing that I've observed in my experience too, and it's really conflicting, because when someone does, when someone really is at their kind of end of life stage, and it's really so tough for everyone involved, then there's that kind of like you have those conflicting emotions because part of you is like I just want this to be over. It's so hard. But then you don't want the person to be gone and when they're gone you're kind of like oh, you know, I know that when, when my mother passed, I would go to like months, months and months later I'd go into a doctor's surgery and I'd see a woman, say my age, walk in with her elderly mother taking her mother to the doctor, and I would just be devastated and I'd be in tears and it was because, oh, I wish I could be doing that, you know. So it's this weird conundrum of like when you're in it you just want it to be over, because it is so hard and it is really really hard, and when it's over you regret that it's over, because you'd rather be taking them to the doctor.

Fiona Kane:

So it's just like this weird headspace thing and you want it to be over for a lot of reasons. You want it to be over because you want them to be out of pain and them to not be going through this. You want it to be over because you don't want to be going through it either, but also you don't want it to be over because you don't want to lose your loved one. So it's just so fraught with so many different mixed emotions and I think and also for that reason, just the things I just talked about then there can be a lot of guilt because you feel guilty for feeling that way. And then, add to that, there's just a general lot of guilt anyway, because when you're not there, you feel bad, like you should be there, uh. And then when you're there, you're kind of like oh, geez, I've got so much to do, I need to get home and do the thing, and uh, so again, it's really really hard, like it's, you know, damned if you do, dead, if you don't, because if you're there it's tough.

Fiona Kane:

And if you're home it's tough, because then you're worried about them, and and then when you are there, sometimes if they're a bit cantankerous or a bit cranky or they're not well and they're in pain, or they're fearful or anxious or got things going on which often all of those things are the case because of the unique situation that you're in, they can be really difficult to deal with as well. So you sort of then, not only is it's kind of you know, one of the most jobs in the world that has the least sort of you know besides, like just parenting in general, that has the least sort of gratitude involved with it, and people are quite the parent. Carers are sort of invisible, really, aren't they? But then you've got that level of if you're someone's carer and also they're really difficult to deal with, or sometimes they're mean and cruel and or sometimes they're just cantankerous and a bit cranky or whatever it is. But that can be hard as well, because you know if you're in a normal situation you might be able to deal with it, but because you know you're usually tired and whatever it's really, really you know your emotions are worn, you're, you're not getting as much sleep, you've got 50 million things in the air at the same time, and then you're just not as able to cope with it as maybe you normally would be. And then, to add to that, you know, in the case of the person that I'm supporting and in the case of when I was supporting my mom as well, it involves sort of significant travel for me to get there and I usually have to stay. And when you have to stay in another person's home, there's all the challenges of that as well. You're not at home and you've got to pack your bags, blah, blah, blah. So it's just all of those things make it challenging in so many ways.

Fiona Kane:

And what I do to manage myself physically and emotionally when I'm in that situation and again, I know this is unique to different situations. So I'm not putting on saying, oh, what I do is something that you should or could do, but there might be something else that you could do. That's different, because obviously it depends on whether or not you can be away from that person for any length of time and like a whole bunch of things, right? So I am not saying, oh, I do this thing, you should do it because you can like. Maybe you can't, but there might be something else that you can do. But I'm going to just talk just a little bit, while I'm winding this up, about some of the things that I do that I find helpful, and my encouragement is for you to find some things that are helpful for you, whatever they are. And there is sort of certain levels of respite care available in Australia as well for carers. But also, you know, if you are watching this on YouTube or on Rumble or you know, you've seen it on a social media post or something, I'm more than happy for you to reply and talk about strategies that you have. And if this is an area that you know a lot about and you want to be on my podcast, let me know, because I I don't have all the answers and there isn't all the answers out there sort of thing, but certainly you might have a perspective or information that I don't have that can be really useful, or just a strategy that you have used that you found that worked really well for you. So, yeah, please let me know. If you have ideas, that things that I don't think about because I don't think about everything, that, um, things that I don't think about because I don't think about everything so well, I'll tell you what I've been doing.

Fiona Kane:

When I am away and at this relative's home what I do is, um, every morning. They live not far from a beach, so every morning I head down to the beach and I walk and I do four to six kilometers of walking along the waterfront. Sometimes I stop and have a cuppa, like have a hot choccy or a tea or something. More often than not I don't, but sometimes I do. I've got another relative nearby up there, so sometimes I meet with that person and have a hot choccy. Or sometimes I meet with that person and have a walk. Or sometimes I just chat with that person and with that person and there's a couple of other relatives and friends I just get things off my chest, like if I'm kind of like, oh man, this is driving me crazy, you know, I just talk to those people because sometimes you just need to sort of like you just get it out right and and it's not always pretty and it's not always nice, you don't want to take it out on the person that you're caring for and uh, sometimes it's just emotions.

Fiona Kane:

Usually they don't get them out of your system right. So I make sure there's people I can do that with. Uh, so I get that out of my system and kind of go oh you know, complain, complain, wind to wind, whatever it is, get out of my system. Uh, I walk every morning without fail, and the only time I haven't is it was pouring with rain and I made a point of going that evening and doing it instead. But I just I'm moving my body because I know that it helps my body function and it helps me with my emotions. It helps me clear my head and luckily, this is a really beautiful place to be. I do that as well, so I can look at the beautiful ocean and just kind of watch all the people that keep walking, the cute dogs and stuff, you know. So I do that, this person also. There's a pool in this home which I've managed to, with some help, get clean, and I'm enjoying using the pool sometimes as well, because even just getting in for five minutes is really nice and just have a bit of a swim, have a little little bit of jump around, a bit of exercise or just a little bit of a float. So I will do that.

Fiona Kane:

I'm also making sure that I'm having protein with every meal, because protein is really important for grounding, it's really important for keeping your blood sugar level stable, which will help keep your emotions and physically and emotionally stable. Protein is also important for making neurotransmitters in the brain serotonin, dopamine, melatonin, all those things. So protein is vitally important to keep me functional, keep everyone functional. So I am making sure I have that with every meal. Am I having too much sugar? Sometimes? Yes, I like the hot choccies or whatever it is, but I don't do that kind of I'm here and it's all hard, so I'm not going to do anything to look after myself.

Fiona Kane:

What I do is I say it's here, it's challenging. These are the things I know I can do. I can drink plenty of water. I can go for walks, I can enjoy the views, I can talk to certain people to get things off my chest. I think I said the water before. I'm drinking plenty of water. I'm also making sure I'm having some vegetables and bits of fruit and vegetables, that kind of thing. So I'm doing those things. And then what I'm also doing is I'm planning my time and I'm looking for opportunities when I can come home and asking for help if there's other people that can come and support me so that I can have a day off, a couple days off or whatever it is.

Fiona Kane:

So they're the sorts of strategies that I have been using, because sometimes people, often it ends up being just on one child or one person or one relative, and part of the reason that happens is because of the personality of that person, maybe because of the location of that person. So there's a lot of factors, but also part of the reason is because that person kind of starts doing it and then they just keep doing it and then they don't ask for help anymore, and one of the reasons they don't ask for help to be like I'm aware of this because of what a lot of my clients say to me one of the reasons they don't ask for help is they don't get help. In saying that, though, it is important to ask for help, because if you need help, ask for it, and you may or may not get it, but you certainly put it this way If you don't ask for it, you're definitely not going to get any help. If you do ask for it, you might be surprised. You might get some help. So I think there's nothing to lose in asking for it. So it's just having that in mind as well.

Fiona Kane:

It's not all on you. The other thing too is it isn't all on you, as in the outcomes for your person are not your fault or your. You know, life is life, stuff happens. People have whatever health issues they have, for whatever reason, and sometimes in people's care or in situations, people might have accidents, so they might. There might be a mistake with someone's medication. All these things happen.

Fiona Kane:

You can only do your best. You, honestly, can only do your best. You are not sort of god or whoever the. You know whatever. Whoever you decide is you know, whoever's god, the universe, whatever it is. But you know, you're not the great sort of person in charge of all of this and you're just a human being who's doing your best. So just kind of have an awareness that, uh, there's only so much power and control you have and it's not all your fault, and when stuff goes wrong it's not. There's only so much control we have.

Fiona Kane:

And at a certain level we have to understand that we don't have control of it all, because I think that sometimes that causes a lot of stress when we kind of and and often we put a lot of pressure on ourselves that it's all on us and we have to make it all work and we have to make it all okay, and we can't always do that and and sometimes especially if you're dealing with someone who's in an end-of you can't make it all okay. What you can do is get as many support services as possible and the treatments that that person needs, or the painkillers or whatever the thing that that person needs, and whatever you need, and just do your best. But you're not in control of it all and you can't control it. And sometimes experiences happen and you don't know why and it's just a sound of your hands, and so it's that ability to kind of go okay, you know, I'm not God or whoever, and I can't control it all, and it's not all on me as well, because we do tend to um, we, you know people, we take things on, and then we kind of get all sort of thinking that we're responsible for it all and you're not. You're a human being and you can only just do the best you can. So I just wanted to remind you of that as well. Sometimes all we can do is the best we can do, and that just has to be enough sometimes because you know and you know also to a reminder if you are even doing a caring role and helping someone and supporting someone. At whatever level you're doing it at, at least you're doing something, because there's a lot of people that don't support or care at all. So you're just doing the best you can, all right. So just have an awareness around that, be kind to yourself around that, because a lot of our self-talk around this is what does us in the other thing too.

Fiona Kane:

Just quickly, before I go, would just be to say also be aware of your limitations. When you're not with that person, as in, if you're spending, you know, so many days a week away from home, or every day away from home, or every night, or whatever it is, some things have got to give. So you're not going to be able to keep the upkeep of the house as well, or your business or whatever it is. So either some of those things just have to go for a while or there's again supports that you can put in place to change that. So, whether it be a financial thing that, if you can afford that, to pay for someone to help you clean the house, or whether it be asking someone else to do that, or whether it be, whatever the situation is in the business, asking someone else to manage certain situations or putting certain projects or certain things on hold, right?

Fiona Kane:

So also just understandably, that sometimes something has to give and you just have to be realistic about you can't do it all, okay, because you just can't. And we have these are all seasons. We have these seasons in our life and um, and so ultimately we all have to make a choice about what we're willing to give, what we're physically and emotionally able to give, what we can live with or not, depending on the situation of your relationship with that person. Then we just do our best and we're human and we do the best we can and life is life and things just turn out the way they do. So sometimes a lot of the pressure we put on ourselves so just a reminder to be pressure we put on ourselves. So just a reminder to be aware of how much pressure you might be putting on yourself.

Fiona Kane:

So, anyway, I just wanted to shout out to all of the carers out there of all different kinds, all different shape, sizes and kinds and situations.

Fiona Kane:

I see you and I'm happy to hear you as well if you've got things to say, if you feel like you would like to be on this podcast and have a talk to me about this experience that you have had, or if you just want to give me some feedback as well, I'm happy to hear that. But yeah, I just want to put the word out that I am thinking of all of you because I know in my relatively brief compared to some people associations with being a carer it can be really, really tough on every level. So, just thinking of you all and I see you and hopefully this will be a continued conversation, because I think it is an important conversation about a real and important conversation about things that matter. Anyway, please like, subscribe and share and give me any feedback you have and maybe some reviews as well, and places like iTunes, spotify, you know, and comments and things on YouTube or Rumble. I would really appreciate it to help my little podcast grow. Thanks, and I'll talk to you all again next week. Bye.

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