The Wellness Connection with Fiona Kane

Parenting Without Losing Yourself: (How to Reclaim Your Identity) | Ep. 116

• Fiona Kane • Season 1 • Episode 116

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Parenting without losing yourself is something many mums silently struggle with. In this heartfelt episode of The Wellness Connection Podcast, Fiona Kane talks with life coach and mum of three, Sara Garrett, about the emotional journey of motherhood - beyond the highlight reels of social media.

Sara opens up about losing her sense of self after having kids and how she eventually reconnected with her identity. From battling guilt and burnout to finding purpose again through self-care, mindset shifts, and support networks - this is a powerful reminder that it’s okay to take up space as you, not just as a parent.

Whether you're a new mum or years into motherhood, this episode will speak to your heart.

✨ What You’ll Hear:

How motherhood can make you feel lost - and how to find yourself again

Tips for protecting your mental and emotional well-being

Real talk about guilt, pressure, and the myth of doing it all

Practical self-care that actually fits your day

Language shifts that help you feel more empowered

Why boundaries matter for your peace

🔔 Don’t forget to like, share, and subscribe for more honest conversations that support your well-being - as a parent and as a person.

Contact Sara Garrett:

Facebook: https://facebook.com/passion4purpose

Facebook group: https://facebook.com/groups/findingmeinmum

Instagram: https://instagram.com/passion4purpose

Website: www.passionforpurpose.com.au



Learn more about booking a nutrition consultation with Fiona: https://informedhealth.com.au/

Learn more about Fiona's speaking and media services: https://fionakane.com.au/

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Credit for the music used in this podcast:

The Beat of Nature

Music by Olexy from Pixabay



Fiona Kane:

Hello and welcome to the Wellness Connection Podcast. I'm your host, Fiona Kane. Today I have another guest. Her name is Sara Garrett and we're going to be talking about finding me in motherhood. Hi, Sara.

Sara Garrett:

Good morning.

Fiona Kane:

So for those who don't know you, because you're a friend of mine from a long time ago, that we've remained friends for many years.

Sara Garrett:

But for those who don't know.

Fiona Kane:

You tell us a little bit about you.

Sara Garrett:

I am a married mum of three. I have three kids 10, 7 and 3. I have done a lot of different jobs over the years, but we used to work together in health food.

Fiona Kane:

Yes, sarah was my boss.

Sara Garrett:

I used to manage a little healthy life store back in the day, um, which was a lot of fun, and I learned lots of things, um, and I had the privilege of meeting you, which was wonderful of course, all that you know, it's the most important thing me um, and over the years, I've done lots of different um, lots of different jobs, like I said, but, um, I am currently a life coach and an NLP practitioner and I'm living my dream job.

Sara Garrett:

I love my career. Um, this is something I've done over the last few years and it came about because of how I was feeling in motherhood. So, yeah, that's a little bit about me.

Fiona Kane:

Yeah, yeah. So you and I have had these discussions and actually it's a common discussion I have with, whether it be with my clients or whether it be with my friends who are mums, and most of the people who listen and watch just know that I'm not a mother, so I always talk about. It's the hardest job and you know, and even when I'm making comments about we should do this or we should do that, whatever, I always kind of say, hey look, yeah easy, it's really easy for me to say because I'm not doing it, you know, actually, that makes me the perfect mother, because you can only be the perfect mother in your mind.

Fiona Kane:

Yeah, once you actually do it in reality. You can't be perfect anymore. So I'm a perfect mother in my mind because I don't have to do it, so I don't have to prove that I'm flawed just like everybody else. And it's hard and all the rest of it. But you know, look it really is, I don't know being I think even being a woman in this age, let alone being a mother. There's lots of challenges around it. Lots of things have changed over the last, you know, even since our parents and onwards, absolutely, but a lot's changed. And so you know, maybe I hear the challenge. The challenge I hear all about is mothers talking about that they lose their identity when they have children.

Sara Garrett:

A hundred percent yes.

Fiona Kane:

And there's lots of mother guilt about how much time you do or don't spend with your children and if you go back to work and when do you go, all of those kinds of things. So maybe start telling me about some of those things.

Sara Garrett:

Yeah. So for me, I had always wanted to be a mum. I was really excited to become a mother and then, when my first son arrived, I felt out of my depth, which is normal when you have a newborn. It's a real adjustment.

Sara Garrett:

But that feeling of being unsure and lost and stuck sort of continued on for me. Even after my third child. I felt that way and I felt so guilty because all I ever wanted to do was be a mum. And you know, I had these three beautiful kids. I should be grateful and I absolutely am grateful, but at the same time I really, like you said, I lost a sense of identity. I didn't know who I was anymore, apart from being a mother and a caregiver.

Sara Garrett:

And for me, um, I changed you know jobs a lot because I thought, you know, I would find some passion or some excitement with that and I would get that sense of identity back. And I never did, until I came across coaching, life coaching. But yeah, like you said, a lot of mums feel lost and stuck and they lose that sense of identity when they become mothers. But it's important for them to know that they're not alone and this is a very common occurrence not alone and this is a very common occurrence. So I've just I think I've lost you Fi. Oh no, there you are, you're back. Sorry, my screen paused for a second.

Fiona Kane:

I apologise. That's the thing about recording online. Yeah, this happens. It's all good.

Sara Garrett:

But back in 2022, something that really resonated with me. I came across an an essay I found on, uh like a motherhood website. It's called motherly um. If you don't mind, I'd love to share it with the viewers and with you, um, and this essay sort of really resonated with me and and I feel like it would make a difference to a lot of other mums as well. So it's written by the editor of this website and she's an author as well. Her name's Mariah Maddox and she writes a lot of essays and poems, and also I think she has a couple of books out about motherhood, but I won't read the whole thing, but this is a few paragraphs here. But I won't read the whole thing, but this is a few paragraphs here. So it's called I Love my Baby, but I Miss Myself.

Sara Garrett:

Nothing has brought me greater joy than motherhood, but nothing has brought me greater grief than becoming a foreigner in my own skin. Most times, I don't know who I am beyond a body that has stretched to form a child and now spends endless moments catering to their wellbeing. I love watching this tiny human become their own person. I love knowing that I'm needed and that this precious baby depends on me, but sometimes I just wish that I could know myself in the process, and I wish others were more patient with me as I try to learn this new version of myself as well. It seems like I'm alone most days with a child tugging for my attention. Friends and family that don't check in as often as they used to because, let's face it, I'm slow in replying these days and sometimes others just don't understand that I'm struggling, that I'm in the middle of an identity crisis, that I'm faced with an ongoing battle of emotions that feels like they're drowning me.

Sara Garrett:

I know that I'm not alone. I know that there are many other mothers out there feeling the weight of these exact emotions, wondering if they're all alone as well. Well, I'm here to tell you that you're not alone, that the reality is universal and mothers everywhere share this pain. So that's just a little excerpt of that um essay, and I was like my goodness, that just rings so true. Yes, and I think for mums, we just don't. We get so caught up in being the caregiver and the family manager and everything else that comes with being a wife and a mum that we forget about ourselves and we put ourselves last, and it's the worst thing we can do for our family and our kids is to lose ourself because we don't um, we're unable to be present, we carry resentment. We don't model the best behaviours for our kids when we're not feeling great about ourselves.

Fiona Kane:

Yes.

Sara Garrett:

And so therein lies the issue.

Fiona Kane:

Yeah, and to a certain degree too, I think, for the survival of the species. Think biology, biology mothers are made that way and it's for a really good reason, yes, so so initially, you know what I think it's like? Uh, up to for the first nine months, or whatever, uh, the um babies really really do. I mean, obviously, children, all children need their mom, but they very, very much do need their mother, and that they're I think jordan peterson talks about this how you know, essentially it's got to be unquestioning. Unquestioningly how do you say that word? Unquestioningly?

Fiona Kane:

the child whatever the word is that I can't say. It's like when you start doing a podcast, that's when you realize you don't know how to pronounce words that you read. It's like you're going to say that, oh, I realize I don't know how to say it that, look, a child, a baby's always right. Yeah, okay, um, that first year of its life, it's always right. Whatever it needs, it is right, it is it's. These are the most important thing. It's always right and it needs to be attended to right. So, for the survival of the species, that does require a certain amount of uh, you know, giving of yourself and not really thinking about yourself too much.

Fiona Kane:

If at all, because you actually do need to tend to this being that requires this full attention and to be kept, you know, alive. So it's a very good reason that we are made that way.

Sara Garrett:

We're programmed that way. Yes, yeah, so I don't think it's like a wrong.

Fiona Kane:

So it's not wrong that we're like it, but it's not that you are made that way, programmed that way. Yes, yeah, so I don't think it's like a wrong. So it's not wrong that we're like it, but it's not that you were saying that, but it's more okay. So we know we're programmed that way, so it's really natural to feel that way and, I suppose, for this to happen. But then how do you transition to a place where there's a little bit more balance there, because your family will always need you and and, of course, you know being a mother is really important and you know you want to be there for your children. However, you do want to.

Fiona Kane:

You know, if that for you isn't like, and look, some people will stay at home with three children, do that full time, and that's their identity and they absolutely love it and that's what they want to do and that's perfect for them and they're really happy. But many women are somewhere in between. They're all they, they, they maybe want a career or a little bit of both, whatever they want, and it's not quite, it doesn't quite work that way for them. So it's like we're happy and even if you, even if you do actually, the truth is, even if you still are, if you're a full-time stay-at-home mom. That's all you want to do. That's, and you're able to do that. You know financially as well so you're able to do that.

Fiona Kane:

But even then, self-care comes into play. So, whether the self-care is looking after yourself within the home, or whether the self-care is having a career, or whether it's you know, looking after your health, whatever it is. So, regardless of what type of mum or what type of role you want or can or do play in your family's life, there needs to be a level of self-care. So at some point that has to kick back in.

Sara Garrett:

Yes, yeah, absolutely, and that's what I share a lot with my clients and in my Facebook group for mums, which is Finding Me in Motherhood as well. We talk a lot about self-care and my ongoing phrase is I say this all the time self-care is not selfish, it's self-preservation no-transcript. Like I said, whether it's five minutes or an hour or a weekend away, whatever you can manage and maintain, you absolutely need to prioritize that. It's essential.

Fiona Kane:

Yes, yeah, yeah. You have to have those moments for you so that you can just. Actually, there was a friend of mine years ago who said that the way that she survived motherhood was that she actually gets up super early in the morning and kids get up pretty early anyway, but she gets up even earlier than that, right, and so she says that she has this like 40 minutes half an hour in the morning. That was her time.

Sara Garrett:

And she was up before everyone.

Fiona Kane:

So she just had time to have that cuppa and just kind of get her head, just be in her quiet space or do her thing, whatever she needed to do before everyone else's needs. Now, of course, you'd have to go to bed earlier to do that and you know, obviously people have different situations, different jobs, whatever, but that really worked for her. So it really is kind of just finding what it is that works for you.

Sara Garrett:

Correct, worked for her. So it really is kind of just finding what, what it is that works for you, correct? Yeah, every mum's different, every family is different. Um, but work, yeah, working out what works best for you and sticking to it, um, yeah, and and it's not just the other thing with you know, if you're faced with feeling that loss of identity and you're feeling a bit stuck and lost in motherhood, self-care should be at the top of your list. But then you also want to be looking at things like trying to reconnect with old interests that you may have had before you became a mum, or finding out what interests you now, whether that's like personal development or just working out what your strengths are, or finding a new hobby, whatever it is. That should be a priority as well. Getting that passion and purpose back is really important as well to get you through that.

Fiona Kane:

Yeah, so have you got some strategies, some things that you have done or that you've just found personally that have worked for you?

Sara Garrett:

For me personally, it was definitely coaching, and that's the reason I've become a life coach myself, because I saw how much it helped me and I thought I would love to do this for other mums and support other mums. So I worked a lot on personal development for myself, found out, went on a bit of a self-discovery journey, I suppose, and found out where my strengths lie, what I'm good at, really thought long and hard about what I wanted to do with my life, what brought me joy, because I was tired of being, you know, cranky and resentful and sad and I just wasn't being the type of mother I think my kids deserved and my husband so, or the kind of wife my husband deserved. I should say not mother, I'm not his mother. So, yeah, a lot of self-discovery. Definitely self-care, which we've talked about, um, I made sure I did a bit of a um, uh, what's the word? I really looked long and hard about the kind of people and the community I was surrounding myself with, so making sure I had the right support network, because mums can't do it on their own. It takes a village, that's a real thing. So, you know, having a look at who I was surrounding myself with, were they positive influences on me. Could I rely on them if I needed to, if I needed help with the kids to be able to pursue something for myself? Yes, and I highly encourage all mums to do that.

Sara Garrett:

If they don't have the right support network around them, branch out and start trying to build that. Whether that's and I say this to my clients who don't have a lot of family around them and don't have help with their kids. Look at things like if your child's playing sport, if they're playing soccer or football or something like that are you making friends with other parents there? Are there other parents that might be able to help you out when you can't get your child there? So you can do something for yourself or whatever it is and do that for them. It works both ways, you know. Do you have parents at school that you can make friends with? Um, you know, school communities are great places where you can find the right support network. Um, yeah, neighbors. Um, you know, there's so many different opportunities to build a good support network around you and your family, because it takes a village and you need that if you're going to be able to pursue things outside of motherhood for yourself as well.

Fiona Kane:

Yes, yeah, and really, like you were saying there, it's about reaching out.

Sara Garrett:

Yes.

Fiona Kane:

And I think we also have to be prepared and this is just generally in life when you reach out, not everyone's going to respond. Well, Not everyone might want to be your friend or might you know whatever. Everyone's got their own thing going on. So it's actually just keep going until you find the right people. So as simple as that, because sometimes I think people might reach out once and if they feel somehow they've been rejected, they don't keep looking, and I think we need to sort of just be okay with other people have different things going on. It might not be the right person, but you know, and it's usually not about you, even if it feels like it's about you.

Sara Garrett:

Yeah, stop taking everything personally. Yeah, yeah, everybody's got their own stuff going on.

Fiona Kane:

We can feel like that Anyone who's been isolated in any way. What happens is we do get and and I think being a mum in some ways, from what the way people describe it to me can- feel isolated.

Sara Garrett:

Yes, absolutely yeah, so I think, it's 80 up to 80, so 80 of new mums in particular feel completely isolated and alone during motherhood.

Fiona Kane:

Yeah, so you know, you know, guy Winch, in his TED Talk, which is really great, he did a couple, but he did one, and I can't remember what was it. I can't remember the title of it, but it was the first one and he talks about how, when we feel alone or when we feel isolated, we do start to tell ourselves stories. And we tell ourselves stories that aren't helpful, and we tell ourselves stories about people don't care or they don't want to be our friend or whatever it is.

Fiona Kane:

Yeah, all that negative self-talk, yeah, yeah and so the problem with that is then we assume you know, we go somewhere and someone kind of you know, we think that someone gave us a filthy look or they looked at us funny or whatever, but they didn't you know. Or we, we ask someone and we didn't realize that she just didn't hear us, or or maybe they just who knows what happened, maybe the you know their mother died that morning. You don't know what's happened to that person. They're just like you know, and and we kind of go, oh, everyone hates me, or whatever.

Fiona Kane:

So we, what we do know, is that as human beings, we are very good at making up stories about people don't want to help you, or they don't care, or they don't like you or whatever. And if you are feeling isolated, that might be even more so, because we do can and do do that when we're isolated. So it's like not just kind of, uh, everything that you said is great, but just like hang in there as well, like it's not always the first person you ask or the first situation that works, but you will find something that works if you actually just hang in there and keep going with it correct.

Sara Garrett:

Yeah, and it's also about reciprocation too, so it's not just about you always asking for the help and support. Offer it when you've got the time. Offer that to you know to somebody else, because when we do that it creates the balance. You're more likely going to get someone to say yes to you.

Fiona Kane:

Yes, yeah, yeah, I'm just going to pause for a moment, just a moment, sorry everyone. We had a technical issue so I just stopped for a moment, so back into it, but yeah. So, look, what we were just talking about then is just keep going and find support, but, like you said, offer to help as well, because if you offer to help, that makes a big difference. Like it's not friendships are not one-way things, correct. Yeah so, if you offer support, maybe that's also a way that you can find your right place, your right people, your right tribe.

Sara Garrett:

Yes, yeah, and it's worth it. When you find your tribe, a whole new world opens up to you. So, um, definitely key in in finding yourself in motherhood is having the right people around you.

Fiona Kane:

Yeah, the other thing too that I I know that uh, that Beck, who uh used to work for me a nutritionist who used to work for me she's got two little ones, and what she said is that when she first had her babies, she had to go off Instagram. Now you can I've got an episode coming up about this but you can kind of program Instagram in a way that you see the things that you want to see. So there are ways to kind of play around with the algorithm and choose what you do and don't see.

Fiona Kane:

But she had to do that because she was seeing all of these you know, there's so much kind of the perfect mother kind of insta type thing and she was seeing so much of that stuff that she, you know, because you're sitting there on the lounge and you know you're covered in like vomit and poo- and breast milk and you've got like mastitis and you're in pain you can't settle your baby and, yeah, your house looks like a tornado went through it, and you know and you haven't had a shower in three days or whatever uh you go through instagram and you see, like the perfect mother type things, all of that crap that people put on instagram, and so she actually found herself, um, and it was. It was the perfect mother thing, but it was also the advice thing.

Sara Garrett:

That's what she everybody's got advice for you.

Fiona Kane:

What she found is that she kind of felt like she had like an intuition kick in in motherhood, which I think is a thing um that I see in many mothers, so if not all of them, but the many, many mothers and the problem is that you've got your intuition kick in, but then you have everybody else's say so and it's hard enough, even just.

Fiona Kane:

I mean, everyone's going to have it in their family and real friends or whatever. But then you got instagram as well, telling you that you're a bad mother or that you're wrong, or you know how come you don't like this.

Sara Garrett:

You're not fit enough. You don't go to the gym enough. Why are you in a?

Fiona Kane:

bikini. How come, just because you've had five children, how come you don't have a six-pack? Whatever it is, you know that sort of carry-on. So sometimes we need to protect ourselves in other ways, as well. Have you kind of, is that something that you've? Noticed other mothers about.

Sara Garrett:

Part of what I talk about a lot again with clients and in the Facebook group is really working on your self-talk and understanding that you can't control all that stuff that goes on around you on Instagram or other social media platforms or even in real life. You can't control anybody else. You can only control yourself and your thoughts and how you feel. Um, so, working on um, positive self-talk and self-worth um, I cannot speak highly enough about doing stuff like that, um, because you know if you don't have that, you are susceptible to listening into all that noise and feeling terrible about yourself as a woman and a mother.

Sara Garrett:

And you know, if you've got the right, uh, self-worth and self-image and and you've got more positive self-talk happening, it empowers you yeah and you can block out all that stuff yeah so, um, that's what I encourage other moms to do is it's to be able to um work on themselves, and because that's the only thing you can control is who you are as a person and what you allow to what you allow in, yeah, yeah, which is one of the things that I talk about with my clients is when I refer to your diet.

Fiona Kane:

You were kind of hinting at this earlier as well, but your diet's not just what you eat. Yeah, your diet is all the things you consume. Yes, and if you're consuming the Instagram like instagram can be great if you use it you know if you're using it the right way and you've got the right algorithm, but so it's not about instagram itself, but it's just essentially it's like well, what's what's nourishing you, what's not?

Fiona Kane:

yes, and if it's not nourishing you, can you change it, get rid of it, put it on pause, like what does that look like? But essentially it's kind of just doing it on pause, like what does that look like? But essentially it's kind of just doing this audit of you know your life, because you were sort of talking. Really, what you're talking about before is even just the connections and stuff. It was doing a bit of an audit and saying who are the people in my life, who are the supports in my life?

Sara Garrett:

that's the word I was looking for yeah, yeah, yeah, exactly.

Fiona Kane:

So, you know, really, it's kind of a life audit, so it's also like, if you are really struggling, well then the question is what are you consuming? Yes, and it could be about diet and I could talk about that all day, but we're not here to talk about that necessarily today. But, although that is part of self-care, but it's actually, what are you what, what or who are you listening to? What are you who? Who are you listening to? Who are you watching? And if you spend, you know, five minutes on Instagram, does that actually sort of like? Are you kind of like? You know, I always joke and tell everyone, because at the moment, my brother and my sister and I, we talk about capybaras, so we're sending each other capybaras.

Fiona Kane:

So I think I've become a capybara expert. I assume that when I go on Instagram, it's all capybaras and so it's very. It's not problematic for me, it's just kind of cute capybaras. It's just kind of a bit of oh it's cute, oh that's lovely. But you know, is that your experience of Instagram? If it is, and it makes you kind of laugh and it makes you smile and you know, great.

Fiona Kane:

But if you go on Instagram and you feel bad about yourself. You feel more empty, more lost. Whatever it is, then you know, insert from Instagram. It could be something it could be. Whatever it is, it could be the mother's group you go to, you might be in the wrong mother's group right. Yes, so you know and I've heard those stories before as well where people go to mother's groups and they feel terrible about themselves because of the type of people that are in there or maybe that one person, uh, and so you know, it's what, what are you consuming, and so that's all part of it, isn't it?

Sara Garrett:

yes, 100%. Yeah, and give yourself permission as a mum um, I suppose, well, this is going we're backtracking a bit with this but give yourself permission, as a mum, to be a little bit selfish sometimes. Like you said, we're biologically we're programmed to to be there 100% for our kids, and we should they, our kids should come first, but not to the detriment of our own mental health and well-being, and so we need to create the balance. But sorry, going back to what you were saying, if, um, you know, if, if being on social media is triggering you or making you feel bad about yourself, then shut it off.

Sara Garrett:

Do something that makes you feel good about yourself. Find joy in something else, whatever that is, yeah, and that's a little bit about you know what I was saying with finding, find your passion and purpose, find a new hobby, find an interest that that, yeah, makes you feel good. Um, so, yeah, I agree with you on that whole Instagram thing. It's funny what your algorithm will pick up. I get a lot of book recommendations because I'm constantly looking at stuff like that, all that romantic stuff, but anyway, Whatever you were looking up or talking about five minutes ago as well.

Sara Garrett:

Yes, I've got a podcast.

Fiona Kane:

I've got a podcast and my phone's just here and then I'll be seeing ads for whatever I talked about in that podcast.

Sara Garrett:

So true.

Fiona Kane:

Seriously listening to it? Well, it is listening to you, it definitely is. And or you know, I'll look up, I'll be with a client and they'll tell me about some supplement they're taking or something they're doing. So I'll look it up while I'm with them and then I'll get ads, and then you get ads for all of that yeah.

Fiona Kane:

For whatever it is. So you know we get a mixture of stuff, but yeah, look, I think that just knowing what you're consuming matters and knowing how much it can affect you. So, whether that be your food, whether that be Insta, whether it be your mother's group, whatever it is, do your audit and be prepared to. It's okay. Just as much as it's okay to say yes to a group or yes to a friendship, whatever. It's also okay to say no to it.

Sara Garrett:

Yes, yeah, set boundaries. This is another big thing I talk about with clients and other mums. We are so, we want to please, we're constantly trying to please others and people pleases and we don't take a step back and set boundaries for ourselves healthy boundaries. It's okay to say no If your kids want to do an extracurricular activity and they're already doing three different things. You know it's okay for you to say no to your kids. You know you can do that next year when we stop playing soccer, or when you don't do piano anymore or whatever.

Sara Garrett:

We can implement something new, but at this stage we're we're tapped out, um. So I I give examples of um, uh, ways you can say no without actually saying no, and they're called um agreement frames, I think. I think I can't remember the specific name for it, but we talk a little bit about that as well. Um, because, yeah, a lot of women, a lot of mothers, we find it really difficult to set boundaries and if you don't, you're just going to get walked all over, and that's not just from your kids or your husband or your partner, that's just in life in general yes um and I think we talked about this recently when we're having a conversation about brene brown and how she says choose discomfort over resentment.

Fiona Kane:

Yes.

Sara Garrett:

And that sort of ties into being able to say no as well. Have that uncomfortable conversation where you want to say no to bringing in cakes or whatever to school that day for something or other some baking stall or whatever it is. Have that uncomfortable conversation where you say, no, I can't do that. I've got other responsibilities that need to come first, because otherwise you're filled with resentment.

Fiona Kane:

Yes.

Sara Garrett:

And I think I don't know whether we had this conversation recently too, but I was talking about with some of my clients as well, and other mums, about Dr Gabor Marti's recent presentation that was in Sydney that I went to see and he was saying which was just staggering to me 80% of chronic illness sufferers are women and mothers, and he says it's in direct relation or correlation with the suppression of emotion and also constantly being responsible for others and not for yourself.

Fiona Kane:

Yeah.

Sara Garrett:

And so this is why it's so important, as mothers, that we work on ourselves and, you know, we prioritise our emotional and mental wellbeing, because not only obviously can we suffer and end up with things like, you know, a chronic illness or depression or you know those sorts of things, but we're also affecting our kids. Yes, we're not modelling good behaviours. We're less present. Kids are more likely to go on and have social and emotional and cognitive issues if they've got a mum in the home that has mental health issues yes, issues if they've got a mum in the home that has mental health issues. So super important that we do have a balance and we prioritise ourselves as well.

Fiona Kane:

So yeah, and, like you said, the word you said there was perfect, because you said model yes, and I think that we forget that. I think that people think that your kids learn what you tell them and they sort of do and they sort of don't. But what they do learn is what you show them, what you model to them. Yes, and my experience with this is that children who have mothers who don't look after themselves at all I don't practice any kind of that, I have no boundaries, practice no self-care, whatever they well, the girls go on to do the same thing, because they think that mothers and women don't have needs or shouldn't have them, and they should feel bad if they feel like they have them because they shouldn't have them, yes, and the boys go on to think that their wives and partners don't have needs as well.

Sara Garrett:

So I think that you hit the nail on the head.

Fiona Kane:

What we model is very powerful and so notice that they're noticing you and your self-care. So if they see you practicing self-care, if they see you exhibiting healthy boundaries, that's what they learn. If they see you having no boundaries, that's what they learn.

Sara Garrett:

If they see you having no boundaries, that's what they learn yes, yep, so true, um, it's a real, yeah, it can be a real issue. So I think, um, especially if you've got, if you're a mom and you've got a daughter, especially with I I mean, obviously the same can be said about having sons as well, yes, but yeah, I think it's really important that you're, and you also are showing emotional maturity and you're able to stabilise your own emotions. Sometimes you know, like, as mums, no one's perfect. No mother is perfect, and we need to get that out out of our heads.

Sara Garrett:

yeah, except for me remember except for you, because I don't have.

Fiona Kane:

You're doing wonderful so, in my mind, the most perfect mother ever, you see but yeah, like I think um on all those instagram. They're all perfect, of course.

Sara Garrett:

Oh, yes, yes, Everything you see on the internet is true.

Fiona Kane:

It's absolutely true.

Sara Garrett:

yes, but yeah, like you notice that sometimes even you know I notice if I'm emotional, you know if I'm not sort of reining myself in at home. You know I'm not perfect. I get upset, I get angry, I get frustrated. And I notice if I start raising my voice and it might not have anything to do with my children, you know I might be upset about something that I don't know happened during the day when they were at school. But then I pick them up from school and I'm a little bit, you know, irritated or agitated, and I raise my voice. And then later that afternoon I'll be hearing my daughter raise her voice, or my, you know, irritated or agitated, and I raise my voice, and then later that afternoon I'll be hearing my daughter raise her voice, or my, you know, one of my boys raise their voice, and I think, calm down, what are you doing?

Fiona Kane:

but then I realize I've just modeled that on the way home yeah, there's some funny youtube videos with children like acting out things that their parents do. Yes, wow, what has that child been seeing? And their phone calls and they know the exact way their mum says it and the exact words that mum uses and blah, blah, blah and you can see them say, wow, you know all the body language, everything, everything. Wow, okay, but it's true, they see it all.

Fiona Kane:

They see it all and you know I had Steph Pinto on here. She's an emotional intelligence sort of parenting expert in regards to emotional intelligence, and that's what this stuff is, because if you know how to regulate your own emotions and set boundaries and practice emotional intelligence, that is what your children will see and learn, yes, but if you don't know how to do that, well then that is what your children will see and learn, correct?

Sara Garrett:

And then it's a cycle and they'll be teaching their kids that.

Fiona Kane:

Yeah, exactly. So part of this is actually that the self-care is important for lots of different levels, lots of different reasons. So one it's important, of course, that you look after your health and that you fill your cup so that you've got something to pour, you know, to pour, like, if you've got nothing left in your cup, you can't help anybody. And we're looking after ourselves so that we don't feel resentful and so we don't feel lost or whatever the emotions are that we're experiencing.

Fiona Kane:

So we're also doing these things because we're modelling and we're actually teaching children how to be a grown-up, because the goal of the children is that they become functional adults, correct and so the way we do that is by modelling it, and so the way we do that is by having boundaries and by knowing when to say no and knowing when to say yes, and by practising emotional intelligence. And one say no and knowing when to say yes by practicing emotional intelligence. And one of the things I talk to my clients about I'm sure you do this as well, being in the coaching industry is looking at what your values are. Yes, and not just yourself, but maybe what your family values are.

Fiona Kane:

I think it's useful for families to have a set of family values. Yes, these are what our values are. Yes, and teach your children this is what our family values are. Whatever they are for you. It's different things for different people. It's going to be sort of health or education or work, or God or this or that, or people have all that. Whatever you do you, however, once you know what your family values are and your kids know what they are, then also you make decisions around that.

Sara Garrett:

so and you can protect those values. Yeah, yeah, putting boundaries.

Fiona Kane:

Exactly your decisions are about protecting those values right so will I take on this new job or not? Yeah, will dad take on this new job or not? Or will we move your kids to a different school. Whatever the thing is, it goes back to your values and if you have a very clear set of values and you're protecting those values because that's what, that's essentially what I think that's what sometimes people get mistaken with what boundaries are.

Fiona Kane:

So boundaries are sort of protecting what's within so it's like okay, so within my family, we've got this set of values and we've got, you know, my family are my gold, they're the special thing and I look after them, right, yeah, so having boundaries is actually about protecting that. It's not about putting walls up and pushing people away or being mean or any of that. It's actually about protecting what's within. It's protecting the sacred.

Sara Garrett:

Yes.

Fiona Kane:

And so whatever's within your kind of sacred. So if you have what you class as being sacred and that could be, you know, your children, your family, your God, whatever, like, whatever it is for you and some people get upset when I say the word God, insert whatever it is for you, right? So a magical, unicorn, fairy, universe, god, angels, whatever works for you. So it's just naming the kinds of things for people that would be values, just naming the kinds of things that for people, that would be values.

Fiona Kane:

If you've got that the center, that's really if you have a real definite idea of what that is, then every decision you make after that is around protecting that yeah and I think that that that makes a lot more sense than kind of like feeling like you're punishing people or feeling like you're being rude or whatever it's like no, no, I'm not being rude, I'm actually just protecting, yeah, the really special value most. Yeah, yeah, exactly yeah. And so I think that sometimes with these things, it's actually it's if you start with the basis, things like start with the values, work, work back from there we understand what we're protecting yeah and we and we understand what is valuable and what is worth protecting and like why we're doing it.

Fiona Kane:

Yes, I think it makes a lot more sense.

Sara Garrett:

Absolutely. That's something I work on a lot with clients as well. In my program, we talk about values and not only about setting boundaries around those and protecting those values. But what can we do that enhances those values within our life as well? What activities or behaviours or actions can we do that enhance those values? It's so important. Once you know that, like you said, you can work backwards from there. Yes, but it's such a beautiful place to start.

Fiona Kane:

Yes, yeah, definitely. And you know, I don't know, I don't know if you saw it. I should bring this up without telling you. But have you seen Adolescence?

Sara Garrett:

I haven't, but I have seen some of your posts about it and it's made me want to go and watch it, because I don't watch a lot of TV, I read more books. But then I see stuff like that pop up on social media and I think, oh, I've got to watch that. You know I've got to see it. So I have seen some of your points on it, but I've not actually seen it.

Fiona Kane:

I think it's worth watching and you know, and, of course, what you just displayed there, too, was an example of how you're nourishing yourself, what you nourish yourself with right and you've only got a certain amount of time and energy while you're nourishing yourself.

Fiona Kane:

Well, the books nourish you. The TV doesn't. So well done. That's a really good thing and a really good boundary and a really good understanding of what your values are and what nourishes you. On adolescence, I'll just say look and I've talked about this in more detail in another episode that by the time this comes out, that episode will be out as well.

Fiona Kane:

And you know there's good and bad things about it, but essentially one thing that it does show. It shows probably a few main things, but one of those is the parents looking at where they might have gone wrong with their child who won't give things like if you don't want to hear about it, turn off, whatever.

Fiona Kane:

But it's pretty much straight up. Everyone knows that essentially his boy murders a girl, his 13-year-old boy murders a girl from his school, and so it kind of starts with that. So it's not like a whodunit or did he do it, it's like starts with that and then it kind of works backwards with well, what led to this right? And part of it was his parents looking at, well, where did we go wrong? And you know, and they were nice people, they were lovely, and you couldn't really. It wasn't like you could obviously see their horrible, demonistic parents that didn't love their kids, nothing like that. They were just lovely parents Average parents.

Fiona Kane:

Yeah, what you could see was, and what the family kind of did, it was our fault, it's not our fault and it was kind of. Sometimes two things can be true at the same time. You can take responsibility for your part but also say, but I can't be to blame, sort of thing. But anyway, it was interesting the way it dealt with that and the way the parents dealt with that. But the parents were. There was probably two things that they that they did you know inverted commas that were probably wrong. One of those is that they didn't really know what the boy was doing in his bedroom on his computer.

Fiona Kane:

So they didn't know what he was looking at and talking about. The other is that they they, the father had issues with anger. The father had issues with anger. The father had been brought up with a violent father and he wasn't violent in any way, but he got very, very angry and would kind of go and smash things up or that kind of thing. And so what we were just talking about before Limited emotional intelligence.

Fiona Kane:

Yes, yeah right, he didn't know how to regulate his emotions and so he didn't teach his son how to do that. Because he didn't know how to regulate his emotions and so he didn't teach his son how to do that, because he didn't know how to do that, and so when the son got sort of really angry about certain things that he wasn't able to regulate, and then this happened. So it's not like it's the parents' fault, full stop, it's not. But you can kind of see some of the things that contributed to what happened.

Fiona Kane:

But that's why it's really powerful, this sort of whole modeling thing. It's, it's modeling what you model to your children is extremely powerful and I think that um, and it's sort of getting the balance right as well because there are some.

Fiona Kane:

I. I find some of the some kind of modern women who were influencers. I find some of them a bit too far the other way, whether it's all about them and they're like, oh, you have to have, you've lived your life and you can't let your children hold you back. Hold on a second. You're a parent. Yeah, you're a parent, and parenting is always going to be really important. Yes, looking parent and parenting is always going to be really important, and looking after your children is always going to be really important. So it's not an either or no. It's actually we can look after our children, but we can look after ourselves as well, correct, yeah, it's about the balance.

Sara Garrett:

It's about the balance.

Fiona Kane:

And it's never going to be perfect either. Balance, because you know sometimes it's going to be perfect, Correct?

Sara Garrett:

Correct, because you know stuff happens Sometimes. It's going to be a little, yeah, and that's normal as well. Yeah, that's normal as well. I just think, you know, for women, if we can be sort of the best version of ourselves that we can, then we become the best mothers in turn.

Fiona Kane:

Yes, so yeah, exactly. And like what we were just saying there, it won't always be perfect. You know life happens and you know we have storms hit us. Everyone's heard me talk about my ship reference before. Basically, you know, in between the storms, that's when you shore up the ship and make sure it's fixed and it's ready to go, and then you have storms and of course, when you have those storms in life, there won't be balance. There won't be balance at all, because you're in the storm and when you're in the storm, even think of it.

Fiona Kane:

Yeah. So the other thing is, too to not, because sometimes when people do self-help or they're on this journey of like being a better person or a better mother, or whatever it is that they're trying to do, they get caught up in that they didn't do it perfectly. I even see it with nutrition. Right, it's like, oh, you didn't eat perfectly this week. Oh, my god, how dare you? You know. It's just like it's not going to happen. So the truth is, it's a whole journey. It's a journey and there's no like there. You don't get there it's just.

Sara Garrett:

It's just continuing the human journey.

Fiona Kane:

You don't get there. What you do is you, you develop a new um and you what you were talking about before you create your community, yeah, your family community, your backups, you support, you look after yourself. When the ship's at shore, as I was explaining before, that's when you do all the self-care and all the things that you need to do to ensure that you're okay, and then you've got a five happens and things will not be in balance and you know, and you won't be doing it very well because you're dealing with whatever you're dealing with and then, things settle back down again and then you can.

Fiona Kane:

So it's also just understanding that you'll never be there you'll never be perfect and, like you were saying before and you know that balance is really a doing word, it's not a place to get to Correct. Yeah, because we see it as like a doing word so it's not a place where we get to.

Fiona Kane:

It's a thing that we practice, yes, and we practice that. We'll be practicing it forever and it will swing wild, wildly, one direction to the other at different times in life and other times there'll be more balance. That's just realistic. But I think, if we understand that when we get started because I think what I see happen a lot with people is as soon as they feel like they've, you know, fallen off, you know messed up or whatever they're really down on themselves about oh well, I failed. Yeah, you didn't fail. Life happened. That's okay.

Fiona Kane:

I just keep going and actually that's something you said to me earlier before we started recording. But you know, um, you know, you kind of were talking about within motherhood how it's going to get back. Keep going, you know, like no matter what happens at the end of the day, yeah, all you can do is like you're gonna have to get out the next day and get the kids ready for school or whatever it is, and and keep going like no matter what's going on. You just do the best you can and show yourself some self-compassion.

Sara Garrett:

This is what I say to mums all the time just give yourself a break, show yourself some self-compassion. It's not always going to be perfect. Not everything's always going to run smoothly. Yeah, um, and that's okay. That's life yes um, and when you're feeling better, you get back on. You get back on the trajectory yeah, yeah, exactly, and you know.

Fiona Kane:

Sometimes you know and this is another thing I've talked to my clients a lot about but what self-care actually is. Sometimes self-care is remembering to breathe. Yeah, sometimes self-care is just forgiving yourself for not having it all figured out yes sometimes self-care is just remember to eat some protein and drink some water. Sometimes let's go for a walk sometimes.

Fiona Kane:

Sometimes get some sunshine you know, sometimes it's like, have your cup of tea while it's still hot, right, whatever it is, but you know, don't get caught up in, because, again, we can get caught up in. Self-care means that I read all the self-help books and I go and have my massage and I, you know, go to yoga and I go to the gym and I'm wearing my lulu lemons and I look perfect in them, and, you know, self-care can be whatever it needs to be on the day, you know. So that's the other thing to assess what does self-care look like for me today?

Fiona Kane:

yeah, and it will be different for everyone might be just remembering to breathe and get through it and might mean go to the gym, might mean all different things, but just kind of when we assess it on a day-to-day basis, rather than kind of have this set thing in our head about because people get. It's funny because, like, when people start doing the self-care thing, sometimes they use that as another way to punish themselves. Yeah, another thing that's supposed to be perfect. So if you're kind of going to self-care with the idea that it's just another way to punish yourself and prove that you can't do it and you've let yourself down, perfect. So you're going to go into it knowing that you're not perfect and that's okay yeah, absolutely so is there anything else that you would like to?

Fiona Kane:

I mean, obviously this is a big topic, we could go on forever, but you know, is there anything with me.

Sara Garrett:

So anything that you would like to end with uh, that you know you think would be really beneficial um, look, I just want to remind mums out there that if they are feeling lost and they are feeling stuck that there's so much support out there, um and uh, if you're tired of the old mother's groups that you have on on facebook, I have a great group called finding me in motherhood okay in motherhood finding me motherhood.

Sara Garrett:

You can find it at facebookcom, forward slash groups forward slash findingmeinmum, and this group is for mums that you know are looking for more personal development and personal growth, who are looking for support from other like-minded mums that you know love being mums themselves, but are looking for something a little bit outside of the box. So we're not there recommending paediatricians or playgroups where they're talking about ways to calm your nervous system and you know things on mindset or you know what your special strengths are. You know all that sort of stuff. So I do live streams every month there, yes, and share a lot of free content, and obviously, if they're looking for a bit more, they're always welcome to reach out to me. I've got my coaching business website, which is wwwpassionforpurposecomau, and they can reach out to me directly there or even on Facebook. On my personal Facebook page I often post things personal development related and they can access me through my Facebook as well. Okay, but they're not alone. I just want mums to know that they're not alone you're not alone.

Fiona Kane:

You don't have to be perfect, you don't have to have it all figured out and it's okay to it. You're not doesn't mean you that you're not grateful for you know you're not alone. You don't have to be perfect, you don't have to have it all figured out and it's okay to it. You're not doesn't mean you that you're not grateful for you know your family. Just because you feel how you feel, because I think that sometimes people feel like they can't, you know I can't say that I feel bad, because at least I have children, you know, or?

Sara Garrett:

my children are alive and whatever.

Fiona Kane:

And so I wonder, I mean, obviously there's different levels of grief and things that people experience, and people experience all sorts of awful things, but your feelings are your feelings and they're valid. And you can, and two things can be true at the same thing sorry at the same time that you are grateful and that you love your family and you love being a mum, but you're also struggling, Correct? Yeah, Both of those things can be true and that's okay, Mm-hmm yeah.

Fiona Kane:

We get this zero-sum game thing where it's like well, that must mean that you're not grateful and you're a horrible person, and I was like no, it just means I'm a human and I'm having human emotions and that's okay.

Sara Garrett:

It's okay to want something for yourself.

Fiona Kane:

Yes.

Sara Garrett:

And still be a wonderful mum still be a wonderful mum.

Fiona Kane:

Yes, yeah, exactly. Well, thank you for your time today, sarah.

Sara Garrett:

I really enjoyed that chat. I always love speaking to you, Faye. This has been a real joy Of course you do, because I'm the best.

Fiona Kane:

I love to chat to you as well. It's really been great having you as my friend all these years. I hope it's a friendship that lasts forever. I feel like it will be that friendship. Me too it will always be. Even if we don't see each other for a while, we can always have it.

Sara Garrett:

The friendship still remains, even though it could be months or years, even when we see each other. But when we do, we catch up like it's yesterday, yeah, and that's also actually to point out before we finish.

Fiona Kane:

That's the truth of relationships also, relationships between people who don't have children and people who do. Your relationship changes when your friends have kids. It's, it's just, it is what it is. That's the reality. Right, they've got different priorities now and so you don't have to necessarily dump your friendships, but it's kind of just knowing that you know for a while it's going to be working around that, yes, or if not, forever. Really Things change, no, but things do change and that's okay. And in the first few years they won't be able to be.

Fiona Kane:

You know, even when my sister had her child, you know suddenly that person for the first little while. They're so consumed with that baby, which is what they should be, it's okay, that's normal. But they can so consumed with that baby, which is what they should be, it's okay, that's normal. But they can't deal with you or deal with you to the level that they used to or whatever, and that's okay as well. Friendships adjust and change based on what's going on in people's lives, and that's the other thing that it just shows being normal. It's normal that things change a bit and that people are a bit less available than more available, and that just changes over life for a whole lot of different reasons. It's the same for me as well, with even though I don't have children, but caring for parents, right, so, uh, so we both have the same issues, but just different age that we're dealing with. But that's, that's fine.

Fiona Kane:

So it's just not, that's just like, hey, that that's normal right it's normal and it's okay and we just sort of you know and being able to sort of go back into life of a friend and not kind of have to feel guilt for what you did or didn't do and not feeling like oh, that person hasn't contacted me, maybe they hate me or maybe they're not like well stories that we tell ourselves again yes, like hey maybe that person's just got life happening.

Sara Garrett:

Yeah, that's right.

Fiona Kane:

So anyway, it has been great having you on, and I really like to have real conversations about things that matter here, and I feel like that was definitely one of those. So thanks again.

Sara Garrett:

Sarah, thank you, it was a real privilege. I'm really grateful to be here, so thank you for having me.

Fiona Kane:

And for anyone who's watching or listening, can you please like, subscribe, share? I've worked out that 80% of you who are watching and listening to this podcast are not subscribing. Why not Please subscribe? Hit all the bells on all the different sort of subscribe buttons, wherever you are, and if you can write a review, that would be really helpful as well. Or comment on Facebook or Rumble. But really, the more activity that happens in regards to this podcast, the more people find out about it and hear about it, and I feel like there's value in that. So I appreciate everybody's support. So I will see you all again next week. Thanks again and bye, bye.

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Fiona Kane

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