The Wellness Connection with Fiona Kane

How to Stop Taking Everything Personally in Relationships | Ep. 121

• Fiona Kane • Season 1 • Episode 121

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How to Stop Taking Everything Personally in Relationships is something many of us want to learn. In this episode, Fiona shares why we often take things to heart so quickly and how it can hurt our friendships, romantic relationships, and mental health.

You'll discover practical ways to pause, reflect, and re-frame your thoughts so you can respond calmly instead of reacting emotionally. Learn how to understand others’ behaviour better, set healthy boundaries, and build stronger, happier connections without feeling constantly hurt or offended.

Learn more about booking a nutrition consultation with Fiona: https://informedhealth.com.au/

Learn more about Fiona's speaking and media services: https://fionakane.com.au/

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The Beat of Nature

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Fiona Kane:

Hello and welcome to the Wellness Connection Podcast. I'm your host, Fiona Kane. Today I wanted to expand a little bit more on a topic I talked about a few weeks ago. So a few weeks ago I actually did a topic on friendship and I wanted to just talk a little bit more about that, or more in regards to how to not take things too personally or not make assumptions about friendships and things straight away, because as human beings we tend to be, you know, we're emotional beings and we often have an emotional response to something first and, while that response may be valid and we're allowed to have our feelings, sometimes we run with that and we run with that sort of way too early and it sort of sabotages our relationships and our friendships. So I just wanted to talk a little bit about that and when I think it's worth paying attention to and when I think that we need to rethink things or what's the word recalibrate? I'm trying to think of the word, I'll come up with the word anyway but essentially, reframe Reframe is the word Reframe our response towards something.

Fiona Kane:

So what often happens is we're in a situation where someone says something that we get sort of for want of a better word that we feel a bit triggered by, or a bit upset or insulted by. So someone doesn't believe us about something, or someone accuses us of something, or maybe they just say some comment or say something and you feel, you know, really hurt by this comment. Now look, sometimes the most sensible thing in this situation is to just call it straight away and just ask, just inquire about what's going on. So that doesn't make sense, sorry, what's going on here? So sometimes the best thing you can do is just straight away try and clarify things and if you're able to do that and if that feels like the right thing to do at the time, it's probably a really good idea, because sometimes you'll, straight away you'll realize there's been some miscommunication and you know you resolve things. So just say sorry, I'm a bit confused, what's this about, I'm not understanding, and just have a conversation so that you can clear the air. So sometimes that's the simplest thing you can do.

Fiona Kane:

Now, often that's not what happens, because sometimes we're busy, we're doing other things and then we kind of walk away and we kind of go what happened there? Or we're just feeling so upset that you know we just want to get away and we don't want to deal with that person, which is fair enough. And what happens there is, you know, look, obviously we have all the feelings associated with it and, like I said before, they are very valid. But what I would always ask you to do is, you know, go through the different stages of okay, I know I'm feeling hurt, and that's valid, I'm allowed to feel hurt. However, what do I think the person's intention was? What do I think was behind this? And you know, it's a really good.

Fiona Kane:

This is a really good strategy too, for, especially when you're young or even when you're older, but just figuring out how to manage your parents. Because a lot of us, you know, we're kind of taught to sort of be angry at our parents for everything they did or didn't do, and we often will do that. But we don't stop and look at our parents as human beings that have their complex beings and their flawed beings, and they've also had lots of hurts and traumas and things in their past. And, you know, sometimes there's a reason for the way someone behaves. Even if it's not okay and not an acceptable way to behave, there's a reason behind it. So it's always good to try and think well, what was someone's? What was behind it? Were they acting out in some old situation that had nothing to do with you, or was it about you?

Fiona Kane:

So what I'm trying to say is it's not always about you. I am not saying, therefore, that means you have to hang around and be abused by someone. So, no matter what the reason is that someone has, no matter how many traumas they've had, no matter what's going on, does not mean they have the right to traumatize you over and over. So I'm not saying this as, oh well, that person's been through a trauma, therefore they're excused, therefore it's okay for them to treat you badly. I am not saying that. All I'm saying is it's a useful tool when you're assessing a situation to actually kind of just stop and think all right, so what do I think is behind this? Are they playing out some old trauma, or is it about me? This is just a way of what I'm encouraging you to do is assess whether or not something is even about you, because so often things aren't even about you, and when you realize it's not about you, you can at least take that kind of personal hurt thing out of the equation and kind of go oh, it's not about me, all right, and just relax about it a bit more and realize that someone playing out old things or all things that don't have anything to do with you. So it's just really useful to do this, not, like I said, as a way of excusing someone so that they can abuse you over and over, and not that at all, but just so that you can sort of say, all right, so this person, they forgot me or they said something that I felt was hurtful but wasn't really about me and more often than not, it is not about you. It's about people playing out their own stuff. So, if you are able to do that, I'll give you an example of what that might look like.

Fiona Kane:

So you may be in a situation where you're dealing with someone who's not well, or it could be like an aging parent or someone like that. Now, in this situation, that person often when we have to rely on other people and when we have to let other people help us, if we're like a very proud person that's always been independent, always looked after yourself and you've always kind of been in charge and suddenly you are vulnerable to people around you, whether it be your children or your neighbours or whoever it is, a partner but suddenly you are vulnerable, suddenly you rely on them. So you feel, instead of feeling kind of strong and in control, you feel out of control, you feel vulnerable. Suddenly you rely on them. So you feel, instead of feeling kind of strong and in control, you feel out of control, you feel vulnerable. You might feel weak. Okay, a person in that situation might actually sort of hit out at I'm not talking about physically, although physically might be the case. That's a whole different story. Obviously, don't hang around and put up with being physically hurt.

Fiona Kane:

But someone might lash out a little bit or get a bit cranky or just a little bit short or just kind of little things like that, and often in those situations it's a person playing out their fears. So, as human beings, many of us are not comfortable with feeling vulnerable, and if we feel vulnerable, so if we feel afraid or anxious or sad or any kind of feeling that we might deem as being a vulnerable feeling, there are some of us who haven't learned how to have those feelings and haven't learned how to manage those feelings, and so what those people will do is they will go straight into some sort of a feeling like something that makes them feel stronger, and anger makes them feel stronger, right? So they might go into sort of an angry state and lash out and just think of, like you know, like an injured dog or a dog that's maybe been previously hurt, right? So you'll go to help the dog and they might try and bite you, but they're doing it because they're fearful of what you might do, or they've had some history in the past but something's gone wrong, or they're really feeling vulnerable and they're injured and now something else is going to happen to them so they just can't lash out, right? So sometimes that's what can happen with our loved ones or with people around us that they're lashing out, and their lashing out has nothing to do with you. So I would encourage you, before you kind of just take things personally straight up, before you get all upset about things, to kind of just assess.

Fiona Kane:

You know, put yourself in that person's shoes and get a bit of a feel for what you think might be going on. And then it might be a whole lot of situations. It might be something where you talk to the person about it but say you're dealing with, say, like some people are dealing with, say, parents who have dementia or something you can't talk that over with them. Obviously, that's you know, you can't sort of fix that. And when you're dealing with someone in that situation as anyone will tell you who's dealt with that, you've got to deal with a lot of uncomfortable stuff because unfortunately people in that situation can't really they can't control their feelings and emotions and things. So you just have to stay calm, no matter how awful it is or how personal it feels, you know. So it it saves you a lot of drama and a lot of heartache if you just don't take things immediately personally, because not everything is meant immediately personally.

Fiona Kane:

So always try and assess what was what was going on for that person, and it's actually really useful, especially if it's a relationship that you're in and that's the sort of thing that you could go and figure out in. You know, have some therapy or whatever, but it's a really useful idea to think, well, what was relationship that you're in and that's the sort of thing that you could go and figure out in. You know, have some therapy or whatever, but it's a really useful idea to think well, what was in your partner's head, because again, that will give you a clue, especially with the whole, and I know some people get a bit over the whole men are from Mars, women are from Venus thing. But there certainly is with men and women very different ways of thinking, and I know there are things where my husband doesn't even realize it's a thing, it doesn't even realize there's something, or why would you do that? What? Why do I need to do that? And I and I'm thinking, of course you would do that and of course you would ring me, of course you would let me know whatever it is. And so I'm thinking you don't care, you're so selfish. You know I blah, blah, blah and I've got all this whole story about. Of course you would do that, it's natural that you would do that. Everybody knows blah, blah, blah, that everyone knows that's what you should do, and he hasn't even thought about it because it never occurred to him that that mattered.

Fiona Kane:

And that sort of thing has happened with my husband and I many times where we've had to talk, talk about it, and I've said this is a thing, and he's like no, it's really not. And I'm like no, no, it really is. So like in those situations you really need to understand that the other person might be actually working from a whole, a completely different reality as well, whereas they don't even know it's a thing, it's not something they've ever known about, and especially if you've grown up in different cultures or different families, because there are things that my family has always done certain ways, and I kind of expect that my husband understands that this is what we do, and he's never done that. He's never heard of that and I could have never heard of that. That's what we always do, but of course, that's what I've always done doesn't mean that's what other cultures do.

Fiona Kane:

So it is really useful to try and put yourself in that person's head, talk to them and ask them if that's something that's available to you to do, what's going on? I'm a fan of naming elephants in rooms, so if you do feel uncomfortable and you feel like there's something in between you and another person, sometimes it is worthwhile saying hey look, feeling a bit uncomfortable at the moment. What's going on? Is there something we need to resolve? So you know, there's all different strategies, but the main thing is I'm trying.

Fiona Kane:

What I'm trying to say is don't immediately take things personally, because it's not always personal. Sometimes human beings are just acting out their stuff or we've, if someone's, experienced any type of trauma or any type of being let down or hurt, harmed or whatever before. Sometimes they act out in an emotional way that's inappropriate to the situation, where they'll feel vulnerable, so they'll show anger, that kind of thing. So have an awareness around that and that will help you not take things so personally. Now, what you can do, of course, because you're still having the emotions. So it's quite all right to go off where you need to, quietly somewhere, and either have a scream, have a cry, you know, scream along to a Nirvana song, whatever it is that you need to do. So go and get that emotion out. Maybe there's a trusted person you can talk to. Go and get that emotion out. Maybe there's a trusted person you can talk to. And when I say trusted person, not someone who's going to, yeah, yeah, yeah, let's get stuck into that person and let's hate on that person and let's help you build the story of why everyone's out to get you and kind of not someone who's going to help you.

Fiona Kane:

Hold on to the anger, I suppose is what I'm trying to say, but someone who's going to you know you can safely say, oh, this situation is driving me nuts, this person is driving me nuts, you know. So over this blah, blah, blah and you're just getting off your chest but you're not actually wanting them to change your opinion about the person or nothing like that. You just need to get it off your chest. So it's the person who is safe to do that with, without them going on and telling other people, or without them encouraging you to continue on with the drama, or without them going on and telling other people, or without them encouraging you to continue on with the drama, or without them changing their opinion of the person. So you might have that safe person or you go to a counselor or someone and use someone like that, but the safe person.

Fiona Kane:

So sometimes we do need to get stuff off our chest and there might be the safe person for you where you can go blah, just like word vomit. You know where you just want to get something off your chest and sometimes that's because you've been in a situation where the emotions are building up and you need to get stuff off your chest. And you know, and it might be a situation like I said before, it might be like where you're a carer whether it's a carer for your child or whether it's for a parent or something and maybe you're just just like, you're over it and you just want to go on whinge and whatever, and of course you don't, you know, wish any will towards a person and you don't. You know, you just need to get stuff off your chest. So, you know, find a safe person that will help you do that, allow you do that, but they don't then build and turn you know, your little tiny little grain of sand into a big snowball thing. You don't, that person's not a helpful person to have around, the person who does that, but the person who just helps you get the emotion out, get it off your chest, get that word vomit happening, and then essentially help you kind of understand or reflect that it's probably not personal, probably not about you, and able to kind of go all right, shake it off, move on. This isn't something I need to carry on, carry around with me forever Now, when I say this, to just clarifying there are some situations.

Fiona Kane:

Don't use this as an excuse to stay in an abusive relationship or stay or put up with abuse constantly either. So sometimes what we find is we do too much of this excusing. So if it's like someone is constantly being emotionally abusive to you and on the physical. That's a whole other level. That's like if someone's being physically abusive, that is wrong and that is bad. You know no matter what that's like. If someone's being physically abusive, that is wrong and that is bad. You know no matter what.

Fiona Kane:

But you know if someone's being emotionally abusive to you or constantly doing and saying things that you find that feel very hurtful or harmful to you, well that's a situation where and of you know that person's of sound mind. You know that is a situation where you do have to assess. You know you either have to have a conversation with them about what's going on so that you could maybe get a bit more of an agreement about how rules of play, rules of engagement, how to actually communicate with each other in a way that isn't so hurtful, or you might need to go and have counselling because you're just not seeing eye to eye and you're just pushing each other's buttons and sort of upsetting each other. Or you might be in a situation where you are in a relationship with someone who is just a really horrible person that doesn't deserve to be in a relationship with you and they're just really cruel and mean, and if you find yourself constantly saying, oh, you know he means well, or she's really a nice person, or that, if that's kind of your constant, you know if when anyone else meets that person you have to say, oh, she's normally really lovely. Oh, when you get to know her, you really like her. That if you, if you're trying to convince yourself really hard about what a good person someone is really when you get to know them, I know that you seem like they're really awful but they're're really really nice.

Fiona Kane:

Those situations be aware of how much you might be trying to convince yourself that someone is something that they're not, because people do show you who they are and it's useful to believe them the first time when they show you who they are. And so you know there's this. It's like all things. It's not a hard and fast rule of oh, you know, never take things personally, it's not about you, and you know, just figure out how to put up with it and let off a bit of steam. It's also don't use justifying someone's behavior. You know that person's been through a hard time and you know that's why they're so abusive all of the time. That might be true and that might explain it. It doesn't excuse it. Explaining and excusing are two different things so you can explain that that's what's happened, but there's no excuse to keep doing it. At some point that person's going to have to learn a different way of being with you if they want to be with you. Because, uh, they have that past thing is not an excuse to constantly, uh, terrorize the people around them, you know. So, uh, this isn't like a hard and fast one or the other, it's just uh. And there's also uh, this is not saying don't listen to your intuition.

Fiona Kane:

Your intuition is a bit of a different thing. So sometimes people will be saying all the right words, but you're going to feel really uncomfortable and you just feel this level of discomfort and you might even be able to like on paper you can tick box, everything's great, just feel uncomfortable. Or you keep every boundary you have has been crossed by that person. So you sort of say, well, I'm not available tonight, and then they talk you into doing something anyway. Or I'm not prepared to do that, or go that far in the relationship or whatever the thing is, but they talk you into doing that as well. Or you know you want to make sure that you have, you know, plenty of time for your friends and suddenly you don't have any time and you're not allowed to see your friends, so that's a whole different story. So if you have an intuition or a discomfort or something, a message that you're getting that something's not right, listen to that, pay attention to that.

Fiona Kane:

But what I'm talking about is just those kind of, I suppose, those situations where something happens and we feel really hurt and, as we do as human beings, we kind of go off away from a situation and we make up a story around it. Right, and we do that. That's natural. That's normal, that's okay. But it's what you choose to do with those stories that can make a big difference to your life and your mental health and your health. So it's a good idea to let go of any stories that just aren't serving you.

Fiona Kane:

And sometimes we make a lot of small stories that really aren't true. There's an element of truth in it, but then we create a whole new everyone's out to get me and this person's out to get me, and this is really horrible. We make up a lot of drama for ourselves that isn't there. There's enough drama in life, like terrible things happen in life, and there's enough drama, but without kind of turning things that aren't really true, into sort of insults and offence and things to feel sad and upset about. So I hope that makes sense. It's just getting that balance right.

Fiona Kane:

But it's being able to reflect on a situation, reflect on why you might be feeling angry or sad. Maybe you're feeling angry because you feel vulnerable as well. So you know, did you ever think about that? Sometimes our vulnerability is us feeling vulnerable and feeling angry because maybe we were vulnerable with someone and we're feeling now unsafe because we've been vulnerable right. So it's just useful to learn how to recognize what your emotions are and sometimes like what the emotion under that is, because that might be the emotion, that one that you're actively in, but underneath that anger might be a certain level of fear or sadness or something else going on too. So it's just rather than kind of telling ourselves bigger than Ben-Hur stories and young people won't know what that is big long film, but turning small things into big things that don't need to be and carrying on to hurts and some people tend to carry on to hurts and transgressions against them like trophies and you know there's enough real ones in life without creating big things out of small things.

Fiona Kane:

I suppose is what I'm trying to say so there's a balance in all of this, but essentially it's kind of you know, I suppose if we learn to recognize and own our own response to situations, recognize what might be going on for us, think about also what might be going on for the other person and why they might be behaving that way, and then kind of make your decisions accordingly, rather than kind of turn it into a big long thing that you have to get all emotionally upset about and, yeah, a story that's not helpful to you. We often make up stories that ultimately aren't helpful or, like I said, can sabotage our physical and mental health. So I hope that made sense to you. Please get in contact. Wherever you're watching or listening to this, you might be able to reply and let me know what you think, let me know your thoughts, let me know your experiences.

Fiona Kane:

Please also like, subscribe, share, rate and review the podcast. It really helps me for other people to hear about this podcast as well. I really appreciate your support. This is where I like to have real conversations about things that matter, and I hope that that's given you something to think about in regards to how you respond to different situations within your groups of friends and family. Okay, thank you, I'll talk to you again next time. Thanks, bye.

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