The Wellness Connection with Fiona Kane

The Importance of Telling the Truth: Why Honest Conversations Lead to Real Growth | Ep 134

• Fiona Kane • Season 1 • Episode 134

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In this episode of The Wellness Connection Podcast, Fiona Kane talks about the powerful difference between telling people what they want to hear and telling the truth that helps them grow.

Inspired by a quote from Thomas Sowell, Fiona shares why honesty, even when uncomfortable, is essential for real growth, emotional health, and authentic relationships. She explains how kind truth-telling can transform connections, improve self-awareness, and lead to lasting change.

You’ll learn:
  - Why facing reality is the first step to personal growth
  - How honesty builds stronger relationships
  - The difference between supporting and enabling someone
  - Why truth is one of the greatest acts of kindness

If you’re working on being more authentic, improving your relationships, or learning to accept yourself with compassion, this episode will inspire you to choose truth over comfort.

Music by Josh from Pixabay



Outro: Music by Musinova from Pixabay

Learn more about booking a nutrition consultation with Fiona: https://informedhealth.com.au/

Learn more about Fiona's speaking and media services: https://fionakane.com.au/

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Fiona Kane:

Hello and welcome to the Wellness Connection podcast. I'm your host, Fiona Kane. Today I'm going to revisit a topic I have talked about before, and it's in regards to the difference between uh telling people what they want to hear and actually being helpful to someone. So I'm going to quote Thomas Sowell here, and he says, When you want to help people, you tell them the truth. When you want to help yourself, you tell them what they want to hear. And that is so true. And I see more and more in this world we like to indulge in people's fantasy or tell people, like I said, what they want to hear. And that's not always helpful. And I think that reality is really, really important and we're losing touch with it in this world. Now, like all things, there's there's lines and there's grey areas. For example, if someone's going for a job that's really hard to get and it's going to take them years to do and figure it out and whatever, but they're really keen, they're working hard, well then that's great, right? Why would you you wouldn't tell the person they're delusional, you'd just say, yeah, it's going to be hard, but well done. And you'd you know, you'd push them on, right? Uh if someone wanted to do something, you know, like I've I think I've used the example before, a couple of examples with me. I'll use me as the example. Okay, if I said that I wanted to be a fighter pilot when I was younger, or well, now there's no chance, but even when I was younger, I never had the right health for it. I never had the right capacity for maths and physics and things like that. That's just not realistic for me. It might be realistic for other women, but not me, right? If someone said, you know, if I said that I wanted to be a basketballer just over five foot tall and no sports skills, that's not going to happen, right? So there are situations where someone's being completely delusional and that's not going to happen. And, you know, you can kindly help them sway to something else. But there are situations where, you know, I know examples of when I was in high school, in my high school, they were really uh they've had very low expectations of you, you know. So I know someone who said they wanted to be a doctor and they said, Oh, maybe you should become a nurse. And that person did become a doctor, by the way. Uh, so you know, I think that it's worth know, you know, supporting people and their dreams and goals. And if people are really willing to work hard for something, understand it's hard, but willing to go for it. That you don't have to pull the ball out fr from under those people or be rude or horrible to those people. I'm talking more about people who are really delusional, where that just that thing they're talking about is something that's not possible. And you know, that's and that covers lots of things. And it's uh going back to sort of some of what I talked about in in previous episodes, but it could be something like, you know, someone who thinks that they were born in the wrong body and they think that they're man that thinks he should be a woman or the other way around. Now they can choose to dress how they like and be how they want to be. That's absolutely fine. But they can't actually be the other sex, no matter how many surgeries, how many hormones, whatever, you cannot actually change your sex. So it's it's it doesn't help someone to support that delusion. But if they're comfortable dressing in a different way and calling themselves something different, or whatever it is, look, that's fine. You you know, you be you be you and you do what is feels right for you. But if I actually said that, you know, you could have or do all these changes and then you'd suddenly be the other sex and everything will be fine and you would be okay. All of the pre-existing mental health issues that got you where you were would go away and you'd be happy and you actually would be the other sex. That's lying to you. That's absolutely lying to you. Because there's usually a whole bunch of uh other issues going on for those people, and also you cannot actually be the other sex no matter what you do. So I could say, yeah, okay, if you're more comfortable dressing this way or being this way, whatever, you do what's do what works for you, but being completely in the delusion and saying, oh yes, you are the other sex, or yes, you can be, all that's actually doing is helping the person disown and hate on their own body. So I think that um being accepting is actually, you know, and affirming is actually helping someone live comfortably in the body that they were born in. Uh that is affirming, right? So I think uh the idea of affirming someone in a delusion in that way is not helpful, but affirming them in that they were born in the right body and in time they could learn to live with it and be okay with it is um is actually a really positive thing. But then we see it in a different way around when we're talking about things like uh people who uh people who are killing themselves with their weight issues. Now, I look I've talked about this before. Many times I've had and still have weight issues and have had my whole life. So I'm not claiming to be, oh, I'm so perfect, and anyone who puts on weight is bad. None of that, not at all. And there is health at many different sizes, not at every size, but at many different sizes. However, if you are someone or you know someone who is really, really their their weight is killing them and their and their choices that they make are not supporting them, they're making it worse, then it would be delusional to say, oh, that you're absolutely fine as you are. You can say you're you're a decent human being because your worth worth your worthiness as a human being is not related to your weight. So all the things you could say, the person might be beautiful, or there might be a beautiful person inside, and then you know, they might be pretty or good looking or or talented or all sorts of things, right? But they also might be killing themselves uh with food. And uh so pretending that that's not happening, or telling them that that's okay and and that they're still healthy and they're not killing themselves. That's not that's delusional, that's not helping them. It would be the same as saying to someone who was starving themselves to death that that's a good thing and they're beautiful as they are, you know, uh perfect as they are, they might be beautiful, but perfect as they are, they don't need to change anything, and um, they should just continue to stop eating, right? So it's the same goes at both ends. If people are doing something that's harming their body and and damaging themselves, so whether it be taking hormones that weren't made for their body, or whether it be eating way too much or eating not enough, or taking drugs or or being addicted to alcohol or whatever it is, all of those things are harmful. And so I'm not saying that we go around and be cruel to people or go around and accost people that we don't know, or go out of our way to be nasty or any of that, not at all. I think that we always should be kind and compassionate, and also mind our own business where it's not our business because you know, sometimes it's just not your business. However, if you're in relationships with people, loving or caring relationships and friendships, then that is where it's just, you know, supporting someone in their delusion is not helpful. So, like I said, you know, there's a difference between just being actively cruel and judgmental and um and undermining someone when they're really trying to go for something and trying to do something that might be really hard and might be unlikely, but good on them. There's a difference between difference between that and actually supporting someone completely in their delusion, because the truth is that life isn't fair and we don't all get exactly what we want. It doesn't mean we can't have something else, but we don't necessarily get the thing that we wanted, and we do have a level of reality that we need to be in and and understand. And I've talked about this before as well, but the if you want to get well, if you want to get better from whatever it is that's going on for you, whether it be a health issue or a mental health issue or a weight issue or a you know, up or down, whatever it is, or relationship issue, whatever issues you've got going on, uh, it doesn't get better if you don't understand where your starting point is or what reality is. So understanding your starting point isn't necessarily accepting. So accepting where you are right now doesn't mean accepting that that's how it will always be. Uh, but sometimes people think that if they if they don't acknowledge and don't accept the reality right now, then it's not true and they won't have to, and it's just not true. We actually do need to, you you can't make it better if you don't know what you're making better, right? So if if you don't know where you're what your starting point is, then you can't measure what better looks like. And if you're not acknowledging what choices you're making to keep you where you are, then you're not in reality. And if you're not in reality, then you can't make it better, right? You can't make something better when you don't have an awareness of what it is, where you're not honest about what it is, you're not willing to really take a good look at the situation and make some make a change. So accepting where you are now isn't accepting that forevermore you'll be in this situation, but it is accepting the reality of right now. Then from there, that's when you can start looking at, okay, now I understand the reality that I'm in, now I can move forward. And you know, another example of this that I've talked about before is finances. And sometimes we need to look at our finances, and we kind of don't want to, and we don't want to accept it, and it's uncomfortable, and it's hard having those conversations with our partner, all those things. Absolutely true. However, if you don't, it just continues to get worse. So it that doesn't just suddenly resolve itself. So to get better, you actually have to accept where you are, and you might need to get with a lot of along with a lot of other things I've talked about, you might need to get professional help. Uh, I certainly did a few years ago. My husband and I realized that our financial situation wasn't great for the retirement that we were hoping to have. So, what did we do? We told the truth, we've we told each other that things weren't going well and that you know we were drowning. And we got uh a financial planner to support us and give us a plan, and we were completely honest with that person so that person could help us because that person cannot help us if we're not telling the truth. So a lot of life that a lot of what a lot of starting points in life start from just being really honest and telling the truth. So it might be honest and telling the truth, like me telling myself that I'm not particularly gifted at maths or I'm not particularly gifted from a height point of view or an athletic point of view or whatever the other things that my limitations are. Okay, I've got a whole bunch of limitations. I know what they are, but I also have gifts and things that I'm really good at and I know what they are as well. So it's it's not about me winching and complaining about what I can't do, it's about me harnessing the things I can. There needs to be a certain level of reality for me to be able to do that, right? If I'm not in reality, if I think that I'm gonna be the next Michael Jordan, that's a bit of out of bit of an out-of-date reference, but whatever, basketball player, or I'm gonna be a fighter pilot, or whatever else it is, it's just not, you know, I'm gonna be a catwalk model, not gonna happen, right? And so it is okay to be, you know, based in reality, but reality doesn't mean you can't change something. Reality doesn't mean talking yourself down or or being negative, it just means start in reality and then build from there. So the reality is if you want to have a career in X, Y, Z, well, the starting point is wherever the starting point is. What does that look like? Does that look like your starting point is going to be, you know, uh an apprentice? Is your starting point going to college or TAFE or university or whatever? Is your starting point just going out and getting the first job you can get within that industry? I don't I don't know what it is, but there's always a starting point with everything. So the reality is you don't start as the managing director, you don't start as the big shot, you start as something lesser lesser down the totem pole, sort of thing. And it's the same with everything in life where you know occasionally you read about situations where people just get their break and suddenly they go from I don't know there are stories of people going from being seen on the street to being a catwalk model and earning millions of dollars, those things happen, but they don't happen to most people, and the reality is we have to deal with what's in front of us, right? So uh I would just say that it is it is not kind to lie to people or to support them in their delusion, it does not mean we must be cruel or judgmental or put our two cents in where it's actually not welcome or not asked for. So it's just it's about knowing the right time and the right place to have these conversations. But if someone is talking to you about these things and asking for your advice and asking for your support, then supporting them in a delusion is not helping them. And it is kinder and more loving to tell someone the truth. Kindly tell them the truth, gently tell them the truth if you need to, sometimes more firmly. But it is kinder to be truthful with someone because they can't get do better in their life. You know, it's the same as it might be a situation where you've got a friend who has lots of relationship issues, and of course, all relationship issues, there's two sides of it, there's two parts of it, all of that. But this friend might be having the same thing happen over and over again, and you might have identified that the problem is more with the friend than the other people because they're just having the same situation happen over and over again because that friend hasn't learned about personal boundaries or about thinking about how the other person feels, or just how to have better conversations, or you know, how to negotiate things, or they haven't examined you know who what sort of person they are and what their needs and wants are and what they're prepared to give in a relationship. They might be, you know, there's a lot of delusional people these days who put out their lists online of all of the things they want in a partner without once thinking about what they're gonna give. It's like, oh yeah, I I just want this and I want that and I want this, and I expect it to be, you know, guys gonna be, you know, what is it, six packs, six foot, six figures, this, that, and the other, all these things that they demand of a partner. But then when you when they when these people get asked, well, okay, so what are you gonna give to the relationship? They're like, oh, I didn't they didn't think about that, right? So, you know, um, it's not if if you if that person's your friend, it's helpful to tell them the truth. And again, that doesn't mean being cruel or judgmental or saying that you're better than them, none of that, just saying, hey, hey, you I noticed that you're having the same problem over and over again. Maybe we need to look at a different way of looking at things and like you can't change other people, but you can improve yourself and look at what you're getting wrong and what you're getting right and you know, do better. So that is a kind thing to say to your friend, rather than you are perfect exactly as you are, and they're missing out from with you know from having you, if it's not true. So uh it's and it comes back to that um definition of insanity, which is uh the Einstein quote, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Well, that's what we do to people, I think, when we don't tell them the truth. Because when we don't tell them the truth, they often get stuck in this round and round situation. And when we don't tell people the truth, if we stay in our echo chambers, we don't learn, we don't have the opportunity to grow, we don't have the opportunity. You know, I've talked about before capacity building and our capacity building for our mental health, for our for our physical health, for our careers, for our life, for relationships, all of that. The capacity building actually comes from being in the world, doing the things, having a go, missing out on things, learning how to lose, learning how to win, learning how to negotiate, all those things in life, and those things all require a certain level of truth telling and a certain level of having a mirror held up for us or holding a mirror up occasionally and looking in at ourselves and exploring where we're going wrong, where we're going right, and how we could improve things. All of that requires the truth. It all comes back down to the truth, right? The other thing I've noticed how often I say right to it's funny when you see yourself on video, you realize these um patterns that you have. I apologize for that. I'm attempting to not say that all of the time, but yeah, it can be really challenging. You don't realize how much you use certain language until you see yourself or hear yourself on video. The other thing though I wanted to talk about in regards to this is the reality of what we're doing, and I've just been sort of touching on it just there. The reality of what we are doing to the outcomes we're having in our life, whatever's going on for us right now, whatever the outcomes we're having or the situation we're in, taking a responsibility for being in it. So so often we're kind of like, oh, this happened to me and that happened to me, and this person's fault, and that person's fault, and it's not fair, and whatever. And while I'm not saying that a lot of those things, maybe all of those things are actually true. However, doesn't help you move forward, does not help you move forward. So really, we need to accept reality in situations and go, okay, definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result. So what could I do that's different? Again, it's telling ourselves the truth. The truth makes a difference, the truth matters. So being really honest with ourselves, okay. Well, the reason I don't think I've achieved this thing is X, Y, or Z. Or maybe you don't know, but you just know that you need to do something different. Sometimes we don't know the answer to something, but we know we need to do something different, and so we do something different, and sometimes just doing one thing different, there's a shift that happens, and that shift is enough to clear the way, and then we know what to do next, and then we're kind of clearer about what our next step is. However, to do that, we have to be in reality. So if you're one of those people that says, Oh, I don't know why I'm putting on weight or this or that, and because I don't eat any of those things. And I've seen those people where, you know, like I'm at least honest about it. If I'm putting on weight or overweight, I can tell you the things that I'm doing that aren't helpful. I can also tell you the things I'm doing that I'm doing that that I'm doing well. I can tell you both, but I can be honest about it. But sometimes people say, oh no, I don't do that, and then but they're eating their thing two or three times a day, and you think, well, you are doing that. So to be honest with yourself, and you know, and I keep harping back to the weight thing, and I'm very aware that having weight issues can be lots of different reasons. I've explored it in different ways throughout this podcast. So I'm not saying it's simply about it's only about what you eat, there's no other issues, all that sort of stuff. I've talked about that stuff before, but just saying that if we're if we're complaining about being in a situation, it's useful for us to own the part of it that we might be contributing to. If there is a part of it we're contributing to, which more often than not there is, even if it's only part of it. It could be that you're eating really well but you're not managing your stress very well, or it could be that you're eating really well but you're not sleeping very well. So there's this other aspects to this, right? But we need to understand we we need to look at it and be honest about it. Um, honesty is really the best policy in most situations. So um, you know, for just for health, well-being, for mental health, it really, really is important that you know, we appropriately and in the right situations tell people the truth. Uh, not like I said, not people that don't want to talk to you at all or haven't asked for your opinion. But uh, you know, I I really truly believe getting back to Thomas Sowell's quote that you know, when you want to help people, you tell them the truth. When you want to help yourself, you tell them what they want to hear, you know, like what politicians do. Okay. So if you want to be well, if you want to think things in your life to change or improve, tell yourself the truth. Tell other people the truth. But just honesty is a great policy. Uh that I'm not talking about without compassion or kindness, but honesty is a really, really important part of achieving what we want to in our lives. If we're not honest about who we are, what part we have in a situation, what we bring to the table, what we don't bring to the table, what our strengths are, what our weaknesses are, and you know, whether or not we're actually being delusional, uh, you know, denial's not just a reverent Egypt, that old saying. Many of us, you know, we all have times in our life where we're in denial or people around us are in denial, and supporting people in those delusions just does not help them. So, anyway, I would like to hear your perspective on this. I'm happy for you to respectfully give your feedback and uh please like, subscribe, share, and all of those things and rate and review the podcast and um tell your friends about it. Uh, you know, click right now, share and send this episode with someone uh if you think that that they might get value from it. And I hope you have a great week. Uh, this is a podcast where I like to have real conversations about things that matter. See ya.

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Fiona Kane

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