Episode 103 What Does it Really Mean to Create Boundaries?

If you are feeling resentful, maybe you are saying yes when you mean no!

Join me as I redefine what it means to establish healthy boundaries. Often misconstrued as selfish or isolating, boundaries are, in fact, the opposite. 

They're about acknowledging our needs as equally important as those around us. Listen to this episode to gain insights into honouring yourself with respect and dignity, and creating a foundation for healthier, more balanced interactions.

Learn more about booking a nutrition consultation with Fiona: https://informedhealth.com.au/

Learn more about Fiona's speaking and media services: https://fionakane.com.au/

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Credit for the music used in this podcast:

The Beat of Nature

Music by Olexy from Pixabay

Chapters

• 0:31 Understanding and Setting Healthy Boundaries
• 8:31 Establishing Boundaries and Self-Value

Transcript

Fiona Kane: 0:31

Hello and welcome to the Wellness Connection Podcast. I'm your host, Fiona Kane. Today I'm going to be talking about boundaries. People often get confused about what they are, and so I want to set the record straight on what boundaries actually are. Essentially, when we think of boundaries, often people think of boundaries as being sort of putting walls up around them and that. So know not what boundaries are. But we do need healthy boundaries as humans on this earth, because people will cross your boundaries and push you and get what they want if you let them. So we do have to have an awareness around the difference between you and others and protecting a space around you and choosing where to give your energy and where not to, and how you will be treated and how you won't be treated, those kinds of things. So I'm going to there's a few definitions here that I wanted to actually kind of go through, actually kind of go through. So what people?

Fiona Kane: 1:36

People often think that you know when someone's doing something you don't want them to do or behaving a way you don't want them to do, it's about trying to fix the other person. But essentially, we can't change another person. You can't fix another person, but what you can do is create healthy boundaries so that it doesn't affect you in the way that it may have if you didn't have the boundaries, and so it is important that you learn how to have boundaries and why to have them. So I want to talk to you a bit about what it is. So people often think that boundaries, like I said, are putting walls up or making yourself more important than everybody else, but in actual fact, they're about making your needs equal to everybody else, because often a lot of people with boundary issues are generally kind, considerate people who put everyone else first, right? So this is actually just about saying actually, I'm as important as everybody else that I'm looking after. I'm someone who needs looking after as well. So it's not putting yourself first, it's actually just putting yourself even in the running for anything. It's actually just making you equal to everybody else, right? So rather than just being, you look after everybody except for yourself and there's nothing left for you. So that's essentially what a boundary is, and when we enforce a boundary so if our boundary is that we don't work overtime or that we don't put up with being abused, or whatever it is, well, there's an action associated with that. So it might be okay, if you're going to continue to shout at me, I'm not going to continue this conversation. We can come back to it tomorrow and you discontinue a conversation or you know it's essentially, or it's leaving work on time. If that's what you said, you're going to do whatever it is, but it's essentially enforcing it. It's just doing the thing that you said you would do, or not putting up with the thing that you said you wouldn't put up with. Thing that you said you would do or not putting up with the thing that you said you wouldn't put up with, but the explanation or the interpretation of what boundaries are.

Fiona Kane: 3:42

I really love Liz Gilbert's description of boundaries, so I'm actually going to read it. It's sort of relatively long, but it's worth reading because she's defined it really really well. For those who don't know, liz Gilbert is a great author and she's a person who's struggled in the past. I actually got this from she wrote this on Instagram in 2019 and I copied it because I just thought it was so good. So I'm kind of writing what she wrote at the time, but I'm reading what she wrote at the time, but it's really good. So she said, okay, so let's have a quick word about boundaries. I'm a person who has historically had little, sometimes no sense of where I end and another person begins. That's what I'm saying know the difference between you and other people, so that you know where to put boundaries in. She says I have a soft and needy heart and thus I've been quick to abandon myself for the perceived benefit of the other or to gain perceived affections and approval for me. It has taken me decades to learn what a boundary is and what it isn't. Despite what us nervous over empaths might fear, a boundary is not a wall, it's not a cruel, it's not punitive and it's not something that you hide behind in quaking terror. You can tell she's a writer, can't you? She just writes this so well. No, a healthy boundary is simply a circle that you draw around something that is sacred. Then you safeguard the sacred thing that abides within that circle and treat it as holy. Nobody gets to enter that sacred circle from a place of disrespect. They just don't. They just can't because sacred period.

Fiona Kane: 5:36

The great mythologist Joseph Campbell said that the only thing a human being needs to do in order to render something divine is to draw a circle around it and say everything inside this circle is sacred and, lo, it comes to pass. You get to decide what is sacred. You get to decide what is sacred. You get to decide what gets sanctified. The sacred thing inside the circle can be your time, your creativity, your loved ones, your privacy, your recovery, your values, your mental health, your activism, your joy, your very heart and soul. You yourself can stand at the center of the sacred circle and you drew around your very own being and say everything inside. This is holy, not because you think you're better than anyone else, but because you have humbly accepted stewardship over the divine and mysterious gift of the universe that is you, and you choose to honor that gift and take care of it with reverence. Anybody who shares and respects this sense of your inherent sacredness is allowed to step into the circle. Anybody who does not or cannot respect your inherent sacredness can wait outside the temple. That's it, that's all.

Fiona Kane: 7:04

How well written is that? It's a really, really good description. You know boundaries. It's not about being better than anyone. It's actually just creating a sacred space to honor who you are and to honor your values, and to honor what you're here for, what you're here to do, and that's just a lovely way of looking at it rather than looking at it, like I said, like walls or like some sort of punitive punishment or that kind of thing, it's actually just looking after you and making yourself equal to other people. And she hinted at the beginning too, like some of the reasons why we don't have boundaries. It's really useful to know this, because if you kind of feel anxious at the idea of having boundaries, you might fit into this category.

Fiona Kane: 7:49

But she talks about the fact that she's like needy and often abandons herself to others for the perceived benefit of the other or for affection or approval, right. So I know that I used to do this a lot when I was younger. I was always sort of chasing after someone who would approve me or make me okay. I would, I'll be okay if if I got hung around this person, or I've had this boyfriend or whatever it was, which is a typical thing for young people to do. That's and that's why we often don't have boundaries, because we perceive that we need to get somebody else's approval or somebody else has to be okay with us or whatever it is.

Fiona Kane: 8:31

And people who are really manipulative are really good at knowing this and recognizing these people and what they do is they withhold their love slash, approval slash, acceptance. Whatever it is that you're looking for, affection, whatever it is that you're getting from that person, they withhold it when you don't behave. And behaving usually means not having any boundaries and letting them do whatever they want. Not having any boundaries and letting them do whatever they want, and not behaving usually means having boundaries and sometimes choosing yourself to be just as important as them, and they see that as a bad thing because they want all the attention on them or all the energy on them or whatever it is that they're getting from you. So people who are like that are really, really good at shaming people when they have boundaries.

Fiona Kane: 9:23

So when you try and enforce a boundary, these people will try and shame you out of it. Oh, you know you don't really care. Oh, don't worry, I'll do it myself, I'll be fine, you know. And then you know you really don't love me then, or if you cared, you would do it. They use all this kind of emotive stuff, right? So if you've got someone in your life who does that, you know that they actually don't respect your boundaries and they're trying to just push their own agenda, and that gives you a clue that maybe you definitely need to enforce boundaries with those people because they don't, and they don't believe that you will enforce your boundary because you haven't and they don't believe that you will enforce your boundary because you haven't in the past. So they just think, oh well, I'll just push you until they get you to get back in line and do what you should do according to them, right. So they won't believe you until they believe you and they'll believe you when, eventually, they don't get what they want, right. But they won't believe you before that and they may try and shame you and manipulate you into doing what they want.

Fiona Kane: 10:25

The other thing that's really interesting in regards to this kind of wanting to please people, that sort of thing in regards to boundaries, is that one of the reasons that we might want to uh, that we might be encouraged to sort of say yes when we really need no, we really mean no, sorry is that maybe we get, maybe there's a payoff for it, and that payoff might be you might be getting like a dopamine response oh, everyone loves me when I say yes. So you say yes and everyone's oh, thank you, you're the best, oh, you're the greatest right. And in that moment you get a dopamine response and you feel like you're the best. So be aware that there might be a reason that you're saying yes and be aware that you're doing that.

Fiona Kane: 11:14

Now, one thing that Brene Brown talks about in regards to this is she talks about how she, one of the ways that she enforces her boundaries is by learning how to say no, and like no is a full sentence, you know. And so what she does and I've talked about this before she says to herself three times, she says the words choose discomfort over resentment, choose discomfort over resentment, choose discomfort over resentment, choose discomfort over resentment. And while she's saying that, she's actually turning her, she's wearing a wedding ring, so she turns her wedding ring three times as she's saying it. So it's become kind of like a set in habit of how she someone else said to do something or someone's trying to step over a boundary, and she wants to say no, no or not yet, or not now or whatever the answer she wants to give, instead of her standard yes, of course, which is what she's used to doing. She turns the ring and she says choose discomfort over resentment.

Fiona Kane: 12:13

And when you think about what that means the discomfort of saying no, and you won't get your dopamine response because you'll get the person's disappointed face or they're trying to manipulate you and shame you. Oh yes, well, the other mums are baking for the thing. It's just you that's not. I suppose You're not a good mother or whatever. Whatever inference the person makes based on their little manipulations of you. So the discomfort of not getting a dopamine response, of letting someone down, and the discomfort of that is worth it, because otherwise what happens is you've let yourself down and then you feel resentful.

Fiona Kane: 12:57

And if you find that you are doing the thing for other people but you're feeling really resentful about it, it is because you're letting yourself down and it's because you said yes when you wanted to say no. Now you could be doing the same thing for other people and feeling really good about it, but it's just a matter of choice. So when you say I choose to go and do this thing, or take this person shopping, or help someone clean their house, or spend some time with this person or that person, whatever it is, volunteer to do something, when you choose to do that and you choose to do it and you want to do it, and you're doing it because you want to be there, that is fine. But when you're doing it for any other reason and you actually wish that you said no, you can feel really resentful when you're doing it. So if you are feeling really resentful, that's because you didn't choose the discomfort over the resentment, so you've ended up feeling the resentment instead. And the problem with this situation is we sort of start to become a bit of a martyr and then we want people to somehow read our mind and know that we don't want to do it. Or you know, like I've been doing this for years. Eventually they're going to realize that it's really hard on me and someone else is going to step up, guess what. That's very unlikely to happen.

Fiona Kane: 14:11

Generally speaking, most people are happy if someone does something that they don't have to do and they're not going to say anything. They don't want to upset the apple cart, right? They're not going to point out to you that you shouldn't be doing it if they're the next person in line to be doing it, right? So when someone's on a good wicket and they've got you doing things for them and they've got you saying yes to everything, looking after them and they're getting out of doing things that they should be doing for themselves, they're in a good wicket. They're not going to tell you that you're overdoing it or you should look after yourself, or any of that. You actually have to make a choice and you have to actually make a choice that you are just as important as they are and therefore you deserve to say yes to you sometimes. And that's the thing the more yeses you give to everybody else, the more no's you're giving to you sometimes. And that's the thing the more yeses you give to everybody else, the more no's you're giving to you, because often the yeses to other people are no's to you. And if you're saying no to yourself all of the time, you're not valuing yourself, well then you will continue, you will believe that you're not worth valuing and you'll be giving and you'll again. You're giving that message out to others, and that just continues over and over.

Fiona Kane: 15:26

Actually, I was listening to a podcast this morning. I can't remember which podcast it was now, but someone said their mother said the mother went to a psychologist and said well, I'm sick of being a doormat. And the psychologist said well, stop being one. Okay, now, that might sound nasty and that might sound mean, but the truth is that we take part in this as well, so these things don't just happen to us. To a certain extent we choose them. Or if we don't stop it or do something different or say something different, then we're choosing to stay in the situation and I understand there's all sorts of reasons why this might happen. I'm not talking about, you know, there's obviously issues if people are in domestic violence or other situations where they're not safe. That's a different story. No judgment there. No judgment anyway, because you know, life is life and these things are complicated.

Fiona Kane: 16:21

However, if you want things to be different in your life and if you're not looking after yourself, if you're not achieving your goals or looking after your health or whatever it is that's not happening for you and you're feeling resentful a lot of the time, then there's a clue that you are saying yes too much to other people. Maybe you don't have some clear boundaries that are supportive of you or your family or your health, and maybe you need to sort of look at what your values are and create some boundaries around whatever those values are and if those values are, you know, health and family, then the boundaries have to be around. Well, what do you need to say yes or no to, to enforce that healthy boundary that supports you and your health and your family. So boundaries aren't about punishing people. They aren't about walls down, about not talking to people or isolating ourselves or not being friendly or any of that. They're simply a way of you, like Liz Gilbert said, just protecting that sacred space, that sacred thing for you, that you and your family and your health and the things that are important to you. And the truth is that if you do protect that and support that and look after that and nurture that, if you're nurturing and nourishing yourself, you'll actually then have more available to give to others if you choose to.

Fiona Kane: 17:42

But the trick is choosing when you choose to be in a situation, or you choose to help someone, or you choose to volunteer for something. A situation, or you choose to help someone or you choose to volunteer for something. There's a very different feeling around that, but when you feel like you're forced to do it, that makes you feel resentful and it's a very uncomfortable feeling. So sometimes it's not always about what you're doing. It's about the energy around it. Is it something you're doing because you want to? Is it something you're doing because you somehow feel like you have to, or someone's talked you into something that you didn't want to do or whatever it is. Anyway, that is a little bit about boundaries.

Fiona Kane: 18:18

I hope you found that useful. I would ask you please, as I always say, to like, subscribe, share and, please, feedback, rating and reviews and all that sort of thing on spotify or youtube or rumble or or um itunes or wherever you listen to this or watch this. I really want this podcast to get out there more and I need your help with that. So please do tell others about this podcast and if you have any feedback about any topics or anything you would like me to to um to talk about, uh, let me know. And, um, you'll find me. If you look up fiona cane, the wellness connection, you'll find me on instagram, and you'll find me, uh, on um on facebook as well, and also on x. Anyway, all right, I hope you have a lovely week and I will talk to you again next week. Thanks bye.